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Domestic violence – how to spot a potential abuser Part1

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Domestic Violence

When it comes to relationships, nothing is more heart breaking like being abused by the person you love and trust. The mere fact that this person capitalized on your trust and commitment to him/her to domestically and emotionally abuse you is criminal, invidious and totally unacceptable.

Be that as it may, there’s no gainsaying the vivid reality that falling in love is a beautiful thing and a happily flourishing home is everyone’s dream, so this brings me to the topic I want to talk about today.

Domestic violence as defined by Wikipedia is violence or abuse by one person against another in a domestic setting such as marriage or cohabitation. Before delving deeper into this, I would want to first deal with SIGNS OF A POTENTIAL ABUSER, often times there are signs and characteristics that show that a person ( your Lover) could be an abuser but we often times overlook it, or even deliberately ignore the glaring signs ( what I call intentional mistake)

Did you know that apart from just the physical abuse to the body which is apparently very rampant, there is also EMOTIONAL ABUSE? This is unequivocally as damaging as the physical abuse if not even more serious than the physical but am going to deal with that on a separate post.

No one should be a victim slavishly or otherwise of a domestic abuse of any kind, as a survivor am going to be sharing with you clear signs to look out for as red flag so you can take a step before it’s too late.

SIGNS OF A POTENTIAL ABUSER

1) They start of as very passionate, slavishly loving, critically emotional and caring in the beginning of your relationship to the point that they call you like every 20minutes, under the deep blue pretence that they love you so much and just want to hear your voice or just checking up on you to know how you are doing, that is a cryptic lie, anyone that you just started dating who calls you up with a monitoring attitude like every hour will later on manifestly become a possessor, you sure will be optically blind to all these indices in the beginning cos you are overwhelmed with adrenaline rush of transient emotions with the believe that for this guy or person to call you ceaselessly this much simply means he really love you and you are so blown away, please blow yourself back to the awkward reality. The red flag here is that such a person wants to be in absolute totalitarian control of your life so much that they want to know what you are doing every hour; it’s dangerous to continue with such a person.

2) They have this innately gross insecurity complex issue and as such always needing you to prove your love and reassure same for them, they always make you feel like you are not doing enough to show your love and commitment, one thing that you must know is that these abusers are expertly good at playing mind games to making you look believably bad before your own conscience and in the eyes of everyone.

3) They always play the victimology role that is they act like the victims all the time whenever there is a slight tiff or quarrel, especially in the early days of the relationship, when someone constantly makes you take all the blame and act like they are not getting enough love or attention from you when you know you are doing everything humanly right and possible please step aloof and watch what you are into. Note: An unexamined relationship is good riddance to bad rubbish to say the least.

4) They get easily angry and defensively cast the blame on you. They display endlessly senseless anger over irrelevant and needless things or issues and in turn spittle the aspersion on you alarming that it’s because they love you so much and can’t do without you bla bla bla….blin blin blin….this is the big, bold, black lie ever. Please do not hesitate to run because by so doing he is enslaving your emotions and reaping off your self esteem and woman’s dignity inside of you.

5) They hurt themselves physically just to show  you how much they insanely love you or how much you are hurting them by your unknown and innocent misconduct. Now ask yourself this question, if someone can cause grievous bodily harm to himself and blame it on you what would they do to you if they have the chance? If a Crocodile can eat its own egg what will it not do to the flesh of a frog (Late Prof.Ola Rotimi- The gods are not to blame)?

6) They are constantly jealous, insecure and angry when you are having the slightest of fun with your friends or family. They effortlessly convince you that it’s because you are not making them a priority and feels you putting them on a friend zone. Their level of excessive jealousy is so weird and out of this world which causes them to create their own non-existing world of insecurity around you mentally tied to them.

7) They have issues with all your friends and basically want you selfishly all to themselves within a short period of time. This is very critical and can easily be spot on base on the fact that they suspects you with anything called human and builds a figment of his imagination around their inordinately senseless suspicion and sniff around you with your friend and even your family.

8) They always set rules and regulations, my dear any relationship that starts off with a constitution is from hell, it should be about love and natural flow of emotions and not you must do this or do that, you must wear this and mustn’t wear that, a remote control structured way of your love life which puts you in default settings wherein you do not have the character manual to configure yourself out of it.

9) They want to change everything about you to only reflect their person, nothing about who you are and what makes you what you are makes sense enough for them, and they make you feel that it’s the next sane step to prove that you are really into them, they sweet talk you with a sugar coated tongue to change even your lifestyle, fashion sense if any, your friends, your belief system etc so you think only through the eyes of their own needle.

10) A potential abuser would stick to you too soon, maybe in the early weeks of dating even when you are still contemplating the whole thing, they would usually push things fast to a point where you become helplessly lost in their unknown world and just believe that it’s love, you are not obliged the room to think things through.

One thing you must take cognizance of is that they are excellent mind game players and have over time mastered the skillful art of messing with your mind so much that you only see life blurringly through their narrow life gate and borrowed lens. Nothing is ever their fault in all they do, whatever they do is on the because-i-love-you premise that is the usual line and excuse. This is spiteful; it’s reprehensible and must be resisted by all means.

In my next post i will deal more on the types of domestic abuse, how to get out of an abusive relationship and move on to a better you. Don’t forget to leave me your comments. Many thanks for painstakingly reading this write-up. I am Joy Etor.

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Lifestyle

3 Things to never buy Used

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3 Things to never buy Used

Sometimes buying used stuff is the easiest way to save some money especially when cash is low and you feel like it’s a great bargain.

There are so many things that you can get for sale these days that are already used; some are in very good conditions while others are in a terrible state!

There is nothing wrong with buying used stuff, but I believe that there should be guidelines as to what to buy and what not to buy and even how to buy these things.

So today am going to be sharing with you three things I advice that you don’t buy used no matter how incredibly attractive the price is.

1) Used underwear- yes there is no reason why you should be buying this like seriously, apart from the fact that it could be harmful to your health it’s also completely ridiculous to wear the underwear of someone you don’t even know.

Whenever I see a place where this is been sold I just laugh out loud becase I know it doesn’t cost that much to get brand new ones so why buy used pants, bras or boxers.

Please it’s not safe for your health, as these under wears could carry a lot of bacteria and viruses that you have no idea of, this is a pure case of penny wise pound foolish.

2) Used bathroom fittings like bath tubs, toilet seats, handwashing bowls and stuff. Why would you go through the trouble of building a house only to put used fittings in the bathroom which could kill you?

These things are dangerous because they could just break while you are sitting on them or relaxing in the tub for a soak because they might have outlived their lifespan as at the time you purchased them, so it doesn’t make much sense and I would advise that you stick to buying new ones when it come to this.

3) Human hair extensions, oh this is the most gross for me! Gosh sister! Why would you want to buy used human hair or hair extension for God’s sake?

It is completely unhealthy, you have no idea where it’s coming from or who it’s coming from, we have heard stories of people removing hair and hair extensions from dead people at the morgue and selling it out, like just the thought of it is so scary

Please there is no reason to buy used hair or hair extension; you could be buying cancer, flesh eating viruses and a lot more scary healthy hazards just because you want to save a few bucks.

Take my advice buy brand new ones and if you can’t afford it make braids, seriously your health it much more important than a fake appearance so take that into consideration.

These for me are at the top of the list of things that you should never buy used, thank you so much for reading and don’t forget to leave me your comments in the comments section.

See you in my next post .xoxo

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Lifestyle

How to manage stress as a full-time Housewife

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How to manage stress as a full-time Housewife

Stress is a major cause of depression, heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke and it has even in recent times been linked to certain types of cancer.

As humans we encounter stress in our day to day lives but how it affects us largely depends on how well we manage it.

As housewives, the daily routine of taking care of the family, kids, home and even yourself is more than enough to put your stress level on high, which is very dangerous to your health. It’s important that we don’t allow stress to get to a point where is takes over our lives and causes us to have health issues, as that would in turn affect our families.

The points am going to be sharing now are things that I have tried out as a housewife myself and they have worked for me and also friends of mine, it’s not easy but we can do this!

1) The first thing that you need to do is to outline everything that causes you stress, until you know what triggers you, there won’t be a solution and you will be nowhere close to dealing with it.

So make a list of everything that stresses you out in a day, carefully evaluate your day to day activities and write out all the things from the kids who won’t listen, to that blender that won’t work when you need it to and so on.

2) After you have made a list of all that causes you stress in a day, you can now move to discussing these with your partner.

 Sometimes we worry too much about stuff that shouldn’t stress us at all and discussing it is the best way to understanding the situation, because the other person would be able to see the situation clearly because they are not stresses out and this will in turn help you.

3) Ask for help when you need it, as women we are naturally multi Tasker’s, we want to do a million things at the same time with no help, please sisters this will only complicate things for you. It’s not weakness if you ask for help with the laundry, dinner or even the kids; it doesn’t mean you have failed.

You are human and putting too much workload on yourself all at once is the beginning of high blood pressure, so my sisters relax and accept help.

Being a housewife doesn’t mean that you should drown yourself with house chores and be the gate man, lesson teacher, cook e.t.c all at the same time. Delegate certain chores to others so that you can have time to put your best into the things that you can handle.

4) Plan out your day and activities, if you can have a plan as to what you want to do throughout a week, it will go a long way in reducing your stress level.

Plan your cooking into different days, you must not cook all that food in one day, make sure that all you have planned out for a day is all that you can handle conveniently and stick to it, whatever you couldn’t finish should be done the next day so you have time to rest. There is a saying that when you don’t plan you are planning to fail.

Planning is so important, it will help you take things one at a time and make things less complicated for you.

5) Me time is too important for everyone and most especially housewives, you see we put so much of ourselves in to our homes that we actually forget to take care of us.

It is important that you have some me time to yourself once in a while; this will help you relax, rejuvenate and over all be in a better state of mind and health.

Me time is called self care and not selfish, so when you decide to go to the salon and have your nails done or a soothing time at the spa for a facial or massage don’t feel bad because the truth is that you can only give what you have, if you feel great inside you will manifest it in everything you do, but if the reverse is the case, your kids and yourself will always be at the receiving end as you would be stressed out at all times and not function properly.

Whenever things get too demanding for you and your feel like you are at a breaking point, just take a stroll or listen to some good old music, say to yourself that you are awesome, beautiful and you are giving your all which is more than enough.

If you don’t take care of yourself no one will, so please let’s manage stress before it ruins our lives.

Hope this has been helpful to you? Don’t forget to leave me your comments. See you in my next post.

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Lifestyle

Sexual Satisfaction in Marriages part 1

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Sexual Satisfaction in Marriages part 1

Marriage is the most beautiful union of humans here on earth, from courtship to the actual marriage; it’s filled with so much love, excitement and lots of expectations. Isn’t it wonderful to find that one person who makes you feel beautiful within and outside, that singular person that makes you feel so loved, cherished, desired, important, unique and cared for?

That ecstatic feeling of bliss unspeakably mixed with love and ethereal passion that you share with your special one forever is indescribable; it’s every girls dream as well as every man’s expectations.

Now with all that feeling of love and passion comes this huge expectation from both parties which often times and over time remains not communicated and grossly hidden because there is this carelessly safe assumption that your partner should or ought to know how and what will please you and make you excitingly happy. This is the beginning of problems.

Marriage has no written manual so also the human body to show how it should be sexually handled or play with or how it ought to go, it is a union made in heaven that needs a down to earth maintenance, there is no one size fits all, it’s hard work every day with lots and lots of intimate communication to make it work. Permit me to quote Mrs. Faith Oyedepo in one of her books where she said ‘ assumption in marriage is the beginning of frustration for that marriage’, the day you begin to assume that my husband knows or my wife knows you have unknowingly open up your relationship to tissues of issues because you will be dissatisfied and in turn build a skyscraping resentments.

Today I will be dealing with sexual satisfaction in marriages, this is very important but often times overlooked and also assumed to be fine or it will be fine once we are married. Sex is an act of gratifying and soothing pleasure and passion that elastically binds you to your partner, sex is meant to be superbly enjoyed by both parties involved and not selfishly by just one person.

You don’t have sex to please your partner; rather it should be mutual feelings of indescribable haven sensation or sexual passion. Every man and woman has a distinctly different way that their bodies react to sexual stimulus and you must know that of your partner’s. Below I will be outlining carefully how to find sexual satisfaction with your partner.

1) You must never assume that he or she know how to pleasure you or where to touch and how to touch it or did you write them a book on it? I don’t think so, you must sensually communicate your sexual desires in the most polite and honest way, letting your partner know what works for you and how to react to certain acts of pleasuring sensations will help him/her to pleasure you much better and in turn make the whole worthy experience sufficiently satisfying and amazingly gratifying for you.

2) If communication by words of mouth is much of a tiny problem (lol) for you,(most women would say I feel shy telling him what to do or where and how to touch me or how I earnestly and eagerly want him to touch certain area or spot so he doesn’t look at me like am spoilt or wild) then you should feel free to communicate your desires through enticing body language or more seductive acts during sex, place his or her hand where you want it to touch, move it the way you best enjoy it, make your desires known through your actions during the act. Sex is beautiful and it’s not an act to be ashamed of in marriage, but where the problem lies is that most people especially women refuse to let out their sexual animal and be completely immense in the moment, so you end up unhappy and crassly dissatisfied with the act personally and just live in pretense and constant anger while you remain unfulfilled sexually. If this is happening to you right now then you are to be blamed, you need to express yourself sexpressly (lol…if you know what I mean) and that which you desire so as to get the optimum satisfaction your body hornily craved for.

3) Be ready to reciprocate sexual acts and explorations with your partner, you can’t get the best of them if you are selfish and withdrawn. it’s not always about you alone, (this is particularly for the men) sexual satisfaction or fulfillment is mutual, it is about the BOTH of you and if you keep it that way you will both have a rewardingly satisfied session of intense passion.

4) Space out your sexual activity, often times when it becomes too regular it could be boring and be more of a chore to duty and not fun, so you need to space it out sometimes just so that there is a natural longing, cravings, greed and desire for the act. This though could be difficult and quite relative as some husbands see it as food even some wives especially those with high sexual demand (HSD). However when this spacing is properly observed or maintained for a goodly period of time that’s not too long and you finally get together afterwards it’s more intense and pleasuring.

5) Make yourself open to new things, try out new locations in your house, be adventurous, and let sex be spontaneous sometimes and not planned, leave the bedroom for a while and try the bathroom, or the kitchen. Give random acts of sexual pleasure, a surprise back rub or blow job while your partner is under the shower might be the spark you need to take your sex life to the next climaxing level.

6) Show acts of love and always sort out your differences on time so as to prevent resentments, when you have unresolved issues with your partner you can’t give your best sexually or otherwise, so it’s best to sort it out and have a clean heart towards your relationship.

7) Say no to sexual acts that you don’t like, enjoy or approve of, never engage in a sexual activity that you hate just to please your partner, discuss it and let your reasons for disliking it be heard, the reason is that you can’t enjoy something that disgust you, instead it will make you feel bad and used, which in turn anticlimax to sexual dissatisfaction.

 Marital sex is bliss, beautiful and gratifying, there is no reason to hold back or constrain your desires, anticipations and passion once you are married, if you don’t get expected satisfaction from your husband or wife where then would you get it? Do you intend to remain or live the rest of your life unfulfilled in that crucial aspect? Sex is wonderfully critical, bodily and emotionally edifying and fulfilling, it’s the definition of passion and intimacy with no reservations, you should and must get to the peak of your sexual desires in marriage and it’s up to you to make that happen.

Trusting that this post will be helpful, feel free please to let me know and share your concerns on this issue in the comments section or you are most obliged to send me an email as to questions you have or stuff that holds you back from achieving sexual satisfaction in your marriage I shall be abundantly ready to react to your comments and respond accordingly.

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