Does a guy mind that his girlfriend is not a virgin?
Many women are stuck in unhappy relationships where they are verbally abused by their partners so much so that they are emotionally shattered and their self confidence affected. It makes one wonder why such women, especially when they are not legally married, stay on in such unhealthy relationships. I’m quite sure there are valid reasons why they are holding on to such relationships. The reasons may not make sense to a third party at all.
A friend of mine was in such a relationship with her boyfriend and often cried herself to sleep. When things got very bad and she needed to talk it out instead of suffering in silence, she would pick up the phone and talk and sob through tears with some close friends. Her family knew nothing of this because she did not want to worry them and see him in a bad light.
After numerous calls, I finally decided to ask her if she ever thought of leaving him and finding someone better who would treat her with respect. She hesitated for just about 3 seconds before saying that she will not end the relationship. I probed further and she revealed to me that she was afraid no one else out there would want her. I told her she’s being silly. After all, she’s an attractive woman who’s got a good heart, beautiful and a bubbly personality. What’s there not to like about a girl like that?
With a sigh, she explained to me is that she was afraid that other men would not want her and look lowly upon her because she is no longer a virgin. I was taken aback with her answer.
Do women these days still feel this way about how they are viewed by men? Does a man really give less points to a woman who has engaged in pre-marital sex? Whether it is morally and religiously right or wrong, that’s another topic altogether. The fact is, it is common these days that couples engage in pre-marital sex and that people tend to go through a few relationships before finding the one they exchange marital vows with. So it would be quite rare (not impossible, just rare) in our society today to find a virgin unless it is a first time relationship.
Anyway, do guys really give lower brownie points to a girl who’s not a virgin? Only the guys will know this. Guys, care to share your thoughts?
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October 13th, 2011
I believed I have found the right site.
“reality bites”/”unbroken” and one or two others up there.. seriously, can i marry you? you guys are one of the few men i’ve met who are so RIGHT abt the virginity issue. i’ve read all your comments and responses and it has renewed a sort of hope in me and I felt very reassured/at ease when i was reading those comments.
anyway, im here to share my story and i’m here for some advice too. i recently broke up with my non-virgin bf. it was 9 horrible months of misery, unhappiness, panic attacks, sleepless nights, insomnia, you name the unpleasant emotion, i’ve most likely experienced it before. i’m 22, and while i’ve dated men, most if not all of them are virgins. and, this was my first “serious” relationship or so i thought it was.
we met at work. dated for 4 months. i never considered us serious at this point last year, but i wondered what he thought of me. he said we were serious, but i had my doubts. i didnt know much abt him still though and though i liked his company etc, on hindsight, one year later, i realise it was my eagerness to want to experience a relationship that led me to stay with a wrong person and made a wrong choice.
it started with his inappropriate touching. just 4 months into our “rlshp” which i didnt feel was serious yet at that time, he started putting my hand in his pants and feeling his thing up, and he started letting his hands wander all over my chest, under my tshirt and bra. all without my permission. i was so horrified and shocked i sat there unable to do anything abt it. accompanying this were his questions.. “have u ever seen a man’s penis before? have u ever touched one before?” i felt REALLY uncomfy.. which led to the inevitable qn which i asked “have u ever touched a girl before” the horrifying answer: yes. “have u ever had sex before”, his answer “not really, the man’s organ was outside and not inside cause there werent any condoms”. i wanted to break up with him. he reacted in a very emotional, upset manner. we had a very very very long talk the next day, after an entire sleepless night cause i was soo disgusted/upset/distraught. that was October 16 2010. i regret til this day that i didnt break up with him then.
his excuses were the usual. “it was a mistake”, “i didnt do it again”, “the past is the past”, ” you werent around in my life then”, “im a changed man”, “im a good man and dont lie” etcetc.
it happened 9 years ago when he used to share an apartment with this piece of female trash. while i hate passing judgment on ppl, i cant help it in this case. she would use to sit at home all day and wail abt her problems – her family problems, that she had no frens etc. everyone in the house thought she wasnt a good girl and avoided her, but him? no, he had to play the Hero and go to her rescue, listening to her sob stories all day, helping her do stuff etc. whenever she couldnt cook a meal, she would throw stuff all over the place, yelled at strangers who blocked her way in public. belittled him by constantly sayin how boring and quiet he was. and he actually pitied her and said that he confused that pity for affection. i mean, come on, i have friends with tons of problems like that and they dont act like her. what is so pitiful about her? she had problems, so what? she still had the money to go to college.
and besides that she wasnt a virgin, she had slept ard before. and after a year of sharing apartments, they both moved out and lived with other ppl but she’d constantly message him whenever she felt sad and he’d run over to her houes to comfort her in the middle of the night. when she started noticing his “care” for her, she asked him to get into a “relationship”. he agreed. and then she asked him to “try out sharing a bed together”, so he started sleeping over at her house, together with her. and that’s when it all happened. it started with touching each other, and she started asking for sex. he said he “couldnt control himself” and went ahead and did it 3 times with her. cause she was so fat and all, he kept insisting he couldnt realy do it right and didnt know what he was doing. he said he didnt manage to go inside her the first two times, but on the third time, he did so but “only 4cm” and on all occasions he masturbated to release his sperm as he didnt want to release it in her cause she would get pregnant and “he knew she wasnt his last”. just WAD THE FUCK? to mindfuck me even more, he said each time he did it “he felt guilty”. SO WHAT? i said, u still went back and did it over and over again!
their relationship deteriorated (isnt it obvious it would)if that was even a relationship and after 6 months being “together”, she found another man, who was probably a better lay than my ex and dumped my ex – on her birthday. leaving him crying for weeks on end, and taking 2 years to get over that worthless pile of crap.
i feel so disgusted just typing that paragraph. feel like im gonna retch. and i broke up with him cause he has told me 6 different versions of what exactly happened between him and her.
October 13th, 2011
sorry my name is evelyn, not evelun, typo!
anyway, he went on to have 3 similar non-relationships with girls who didnt give a crap abt his existence. they all two-timed/cheated on him and dumped him for other men thereafter. you kinda wonder why does he keep going back to the same women, interesting isnt it?
and what has eluded me for months and probably will be something i never will understand is:
if he says he is such an upright, trustworthy man full of morals and values,
1. what the hell is he even doing in a relaitonship with such a person?
2. why is he running over to sleep with her everytime he has the chance?
3. why does he see sex as something that is an experiment? “i was just trying out” he would say
4. why is he even sleeping with a female who has admitted to sleeping with other men before?
5. why does he even have to cry and feel upset over her dumping him? they didnt have a relaitonship, he chose to sleep with her and it took him 6 months to realise “it shouldnt have happen” and “it was a mistake” according to him. i would personally be so God-damned happy if such a person willingly left me. but then again, if he could get into a relationship with her, it says loads abt him, doesnt it? does he have co-dependency issues? attracted to ppl he feels “pity” for and finding all the wrong women to get involved with?
6. and seriously, what EXACTLY is soo pitiful abt her?
realitybites: i would really like your thoughts on the above!
anyway for months after that, i spent hours reading up on acceptance and forgiveness and compromise. things came to a head when i would get panic attacks when images of him having sex with her would drift into my mind and completely immobilize me for a few minutes and ruin any desire of waking up to a peaceful, happy day. my entire mornings were ruined trying to get those thoughts and ruminations and images out of my mind. after i’ve broken up with him, they are much less in intensity, but they are STILL there nonethless. i find myself ruminating and feeling upset still, even 3 months after the breakup whenever i tink about him and his past =(
then there were the friends ard me who keep telling me things like forgivenss, compassion, and all that were more impt. “it was in his past, he doesnt need ur forgiveness”. “the past is the past, it isnt important”. REALLY now?! i spent MONTHS listening to ppl and society trying to convince me that i have to accept it and that pre marital sex is no big deal and im being “harsh” on him and im not fair etcetc.
a friend who used to be close to me almost ended our friendship over this topic. she kept insisting he did it out of love, and that it was his first.
*sidetrack: can someone PLEASE explain to me what is so great abt the first person you’re in a relationship with? i dont see what’s the big deal, theres a first for everything. just cause someone was ur first u have to forever hold them in ur hearts and drag the baggage of your relationship into the next? hardly fair to the next partner isnt it?*
anways, she finally admitted why she kept siding my ex was cause she had sex with her ex-bf herself – someone who went overseas to study and cheated and dumped her. i told her what she did was wrong and it seemed to have struck a nerve, she reacted very violently, with retorts like “if having premarital sex with someone i love means i have no values?” to each her own, but to me, any sort of premarital sex hardly means you have values of any sort in that area, regardless of the reason. and things like “i believe in God, but i dont believe in Christianity (and shes Christian)” as well as stuff like “i dont see my act as anything that is evil and in need of forgiveness from anyone. i certainly dont need this judgment from my friends”.
self-righteous much? can someone again shed some light on why ppl like her use such statements in their defense?
and another qn before i leave, what do you guys think of the reason that alot of people who have premarital sex: “i did it out of love”. really? what do you think of that?
anyway, the constant struggle i face, feeling that im fighting this uphill battle against the immorale society im in.. is depressing. im paranoid, i feel like i can’t find a nice, good virgin man anymore and i worry alot about that. what if i hit 30 and im still single? with no good virgin man in sight? =( i feel sad thinking abt that.
anyway, its late where i am so i have to go to sleep. really really sorry for typing up such long rants above. i wanted to get my story out there and get opinions from like-minded ppl. i feel much happier after coming to this site.
thanks guys! and i’ll be checking back soon!
October 14th, 2011
Welcome Evelyn, and thanks for sharing your story and thoughts and for reading all my comments.
Your ex is a jerk, and his ex is a drama queen. Two people with a host of gratuitously self-inflicted problems, negative qualities and self-esteem issues.
QUOTE
1. what the hell is he even doing in a relaitonship with such a person?
/QUOTE
People often keep attracting the same kind of mate over and over again. Such a mate is very likely the mirror of who they are.
Like begets like; when a man hangs out with garbage women, that should tell you something about who he REALLY is – a totally fake character who’ll lie and cheat with a straight face, and cause you much grief and many problems. Avoid people like him.
QUOTE
2. why is he running over to sleep with her everytime he has the chance?
3. why does he see sex as something that is an experiment? “i was just trying out” he would say
4. why is he even sleeping with a female who has admitted to sleeping with other men before?
/QUOTE
He sees sex as a need to be satisfied at all costs – a mechanical activity to be had with anyone, anywhere, regardless of their past/present/future. And why is that? Ignorance and opportunism. I’ll say it again: ignorance and opportunism.
It doesn’t take a rocket science degree to see that he is totally unfit for marriage. And that it’ll only get worse with time.
QUOTE
5. why does he even have to cry and feel upset over her dumping him? they didnt have a relaitonship, he chose to sleep with her and it took him 6 months to realise “it shouldnt have happen” and “it was a mistake” according to him. i would personally be so God-damned happy if such a person willingly left me. but then again, if he could get into a relationship with her, it says loads abt him, doesnt it? does he have co-dependency issues? attracted to ppl he feels “pity” for and finding all the wrong women to get involved with?
/QUOTE
He played with fire and got burnt. His low self-esteem drawn him to a woman who treated him like garbage (that’s how he WANTS to be treated), and his pride (and infatuation with her) prevented him from admitting he made a mistake. Moreover, he seems unable to LEARN from his own mistakes, as he got into several similar relationships after that.
No matter how you look at it, this man seems to have very few positive qualities, and is best left alone.
QUOTE
6. and seriously, what EXACTLY is soo pitiful abt her?
/QUOTE
His perceptions of her have been totally warped by the sex they had together. Sex blinds judgement (one more reason to NOT have it with the wrong person) – and he wasn’t a man of sound judgement to start with.
Forget about him, for he is absolutely forgettable. I guarantee that you’ll feel attraction for other, better men in your life.
Moreover, avoid “friends” who criticize you.
Don’t rush into a new relationship. Don’t let physical attraction blind you – look for a man of sound moral principles who likes the idea of “marriage to the right woman” and “sex only with wife”. Quite preferably a virgin.
That’s all for now. Good luck with your search for a virgin man with a good personality!
And keep visiting this blog! I may add a few comments at a later time.
October 14th, 2011
Realitybites: i cant describe how thankful i for your insights and advice
it really has lifted my spirits, after being in the dumps for months.. as a psychology student im very intrigued by people like my ex.. not in a personal sense, but more of psychological subjects.. i would like yo ask you some additional stuff and add some comments, i hope you dont mind? 
1. How do guys even get infatuated with girls like her? I mean, seriously. she wasnt even attractive, plump and i only described a little of her obnoxious character. there are tons of nice-looking and nice girls out there why get “infatuated” with someone like that? it’s COMPLETELY beyond my human understanding
2. You mentioned sex clouding his judgment. According to him, he pitied her wayy BEFORE he had sex with her. and with guys like him, actually with most indecent guys.. sex is just.. sex. like you said, an opportune moment. i highly doubt they feel anything loving or experience attachment with the female. so.. how would it cloud his judgment? and does this also have to go with cognitive dissonance? i remember him saying he found her attractive cause she had big eyes and that had alot to do with why guys have sex with anyone. i was like.. dude, u need to get glasses.
3. i’d also like to comment that when he moved to my country, he actually shared a flat with a good friend of this slutty ex. This good friend was the room-mate of that slut when she was staying at the house where he’d go over and have sex with her. Please tell me i’m NOT the only one feeling completely weirded out and uncomfy by this? He has this habit of keeping in contact with the friends of his “Exes” are just as obnoxous as the exes themselves. i remembered having to sit through dinner with one of them and she kept bringing up the ex to him.
4. what do you think of people who takes AGES to get over thieir “first relationships” and alot of them carry the baggage of this one into the next. whats the big deal abt the first? its jsut like any normal relationship to me. i remb feeling so shocked that he took a year to get over this slut – whereas another girl he liked later, he got over her pretty fast. i have a friend who took ages to get over a bf who cheated on her (she had sex with him too). does it really have to do with liking the person or..other factors like low self esteem, refusing to let go..? i just find it so queer especially if the relationship wasnt even good.
5. what do you think of ppl who have sex with their bfs/gfs out of “love”? alot of ppl out there think its a very legitimate reason. one of my frens even said, “its a way of expressing love for alot of people, whether you like it or not”, and one even questioned me, “does it mean having premarital sex with a person i love means i have no values”? what would you say to these ppl?
6. what would you say to people who tell you things like: “your bf doesnt NEED your forgiveness for his sexual past. HE DIDNT DO IT TO YOU” – alot of ppl have premarital sex and say things like “i dont see my act as a necessary evil that needs forgivenss or judgment” – what do you think of these statements?
apologies for th elong rants again =| i hope im not bothering you in any way, and if you’re free, do post extra statements and stats, i really loved reading ur previous posts. once again, thanks for ur advice and insight!
October 14th, 2011
Hi Evelyn, glad my answers helped, I’ve been busy today but I’ll reply to your latest message as soon as I can – after I do some related reading.
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
… i remember him saying he found her attractive cause she had big eyes
1. How do guys even get infatuated with girls like her? I mean, seriously. she wasnt even attractive, plump and i only described a little of her obnoxious character. there are tons of nice-looking and nice girls out there why get “infatuated” with someone like that? it’s COMPLETELY beyond my human understanding
/QUOTE
Firstly, always keep in mind that your ex is a pathological liar; he’s like a house of distorting mirrors, so you don’t know what’s true and what’s not in what he said. Six different versions of a break up? Gee.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he invented a backstory to cover up or justify the fact that he made a mistake. Cognitive dissonance at work again…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Back-story
(Look out for the following literary techniques: flashbacks, dialogue, direct narration, summary, recollection, exposition!)
Secondly, many people aren’t very perceptive and can’t really distinguish between good and bad, and between beautiful and ugly. Plainly put, they suck at recognizing a good soul mate.
October 15th, 2011
Psychology professor, Dr. Ayala Malach Pines (author of “Falling in Love”), found that about 11% of people falls in love at first glance (”big eyes” may just be enough…)
Evolutionary psychologists, such as Dr. David Buss, say that men are more vulnerable to “love at first sight” compared to women.
No matter what happened, perhaps your ex simply wanted to have “anything goes” sex, to improve his male ranking and have something to brag about, and to practice on her, but later truly fell in love with her (because of the biochemical aspects of sex) and so he cried a lot after the breakup and revised history (1984-style) to make him look less of an idiot.
Ah, l’amour.
October 15th, 2011
“Powerful eye contact immediately stimulates strong feelings of affection. This was proved once and for all in a study called “The Effects of Mutual Gaze on Feelings of Romantic Love.” Researchers put forty-eight men and women who didn’t know each other in a big room. They gave them directions on how much eye contact to have with their partners during casual conversation. Afterward, the researchers asked each participant how he or she felt about the various people they had spoken with.”
http://lovetrace.com/love_at_first_sight.html
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
2. how would it cloud his judgment?
/QUOTE
After they got together, sex made it difficult for him to see that she really was a stinking, clanking, clumsy, oversized garbage can who yelled at him and treated him harshly.
Sex made the breakup much harder, and the breakup itself happened much later than it should have been.
So when he said he loved her, he wasn’t being objective. He simply had overloaded senses – he was dumbed down by the sex.
QUOTE
i was like.. dude, u need to get glasses.
/QUOTE
Exactly.
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
3. he actually shared a flat with a good friend of this slutty ex. This good friend was the room-mate of that slut when she was staying at the house where he’d go over and have sex with her. Please tell me i’m NOT the only one feeling completely weirded out and uncomfy by this?
/QUOTE
Eww, of course not!
QUOTE
He has this habit of keeping in contact with the friends of his “Exes” are just as obnoxous as the exes themselves. i remembered having to sit through dinner with one of them and she kept bringing up the ex to him.
/QUOTE
Here are my thoughts.
Many (often unwittingly) look for a “standard soul mate” type with a particular set of qualities (positive and negative). And so they keep finding mates with those characteristics, over and over again.
Your ex keeps in contact with his ex’s friends because they are most likely similar to her (again, like begets like), and he desperately needs a steady supply of “standard soul mate” women. Not unlike one would mine a vein of gold (but gold it is not) to extract the ore more efficiently.
And so… Wittingly or unwittingly, conveniently for sure, he takes advantage of the fat woman’s network of friends… And keeps getting romantically involved with the wrong women.
Let me add that given his belief system (”sex is just sex”) I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that he had sex with her friends even while he was in a relationship with the fat woman.
October 15th, 2011
I’ll probably comment the other points when I get more spare time.
October 15th, 2011
In the mean time, feel free to read this article about love at first sight.
http://news.softpedia.com/news/Love-at-First-Sight-Means-8-2-Seconds-of-Eye-Contact-107667.shtml
October 15th, 2011
Hey! Oh man you are so thorough with your answers I sincerely hope I’m not wasting your time? Thanks a TON man, provided me with alot of food for thought again
HAHA. yup 6 diff versions of his sexual encounter. he’d be outside her one day inside her a little in the next version etc. like, make up ur mind. u cant be outside and inside the person at the same moment.
anyway, yes he is a pathological liar, and has got 8-9 years to invent stories, rationalizations, reasons, justifications, denials for his actions. And he has ample time to repeat these reasons to himself and sincerely believe in them. whether or not his had anything to do with attraction, i believe in that article that you’ve linked, have seen some ppl experience it though im not the type to do so – too cautious. ESP after this episode
And I do have additional stuff to ask, i REALLY hope you dont mind though =|
1. QUOTE:
but later truly fell in love with her (because of the biochemical aspects of sex)
So when he said he loved her, he wasn’t being objective. He simply had overloaded senses – he was dumbed down by the sex.
——
so you meant he really loved her, as in the real, genuine healthy love normal people build over time and feel over time OR its more of a result of the chemicals of “love”?
so he actually got “emotionally attached” to her after that..? which leads me to..
2. we both agree men like him dont care abt the true meaning of sex. but wouldnt that mean that they dont fall in “love” because sex means nothing to them? so how would they experience any feelings of “intimacy” or “love” for the person when sex with that person is a meaningless activity for them? sorry just abit confused here!!
3. assuming his “i liked her after i thought she was pitiful and confused pity with loveand i never REALLY liked her” story was true do people like that actually exist? confusing pity for the person for affection? ive read somewhere that it’s due to an issue called co-dependency which is very common in people with low self-esteem (like him). and he fits the symptoms very well: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
not surprised its inverted narcissism then!
4. Do people feel the same biochemical feelings of “love” when they engage in foreplay instead of going full-out for sex?
PLEASE do take ur time! i check back everyday and am not in a rush
thanks and cheers! 
October 15th, 2011
And I totally agree abt the bit where he’s friends with all of his exes’ friends and its no wonder he doesnt find any good women for himself. He used to tell me i’m “special” and no i didnt belive in it (i’m not the type who takes verbal compliments seriously, esp from a guy trying to get in your pants haha). he felt i was a “special anomaly” to the kind of trash he usually meets cause I’m not trash. he still refuses to accept we have broken up.
well, he can continue being deluded
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
he really loved her, as in the real, genuine healthy love normal people build over time and feel over time OR its more of a result of the chemicals of “love”? so he actually got “emotionally attached” to her after that..?
/QUOTE
Before he met her, he might have had a sexual fantasy: he wondered how sex with a fat woman would be. Maybe a gaze ignited the “spark” of passion. So, fantasy + spark = let’s do it, he thought (after all, for him “sex is just sex” – so there were no moral barriers against a sexual relationship).
Also remember that SHE started asking for sex (a bit of information I had previously missed on the first reading). He didn’t want to miss an opportunity to “improve” (!) his male status (if only his “magic number”), and so – being “just sex” – he did it.
After that, though, sex got him “hooked” to her – and he fell victim to the chemicals of sex. He started to feel… Real attachment to Moby Dick. Arrrrrr!
After the painful breakup, he revised history to cover up / justify the mistake.
Ain’t I a real Love Coroner?
Anyway, I doubt that such a shallow man will ever find TRUE love – the kind of healthy love, based on personality compatibility and mutual respect, that begins silently and slowly grows over time. It will probably forever elude him, also because he does not seem to be willing to work on self-improvement.
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
men like him dont care abt the true meaning of sex. but wouldnt that mean that they dont fall in “love” because sex means nothing to them? so how would they experience any feelings of “intimacy” or “love” for the person when sex with that person is a meaningless activity for them? sorry just abit confused here!!
/QUOTE
The “sex is nothing special” belief “simply” makes a promiscuous lifestyle much more likely. It is promiscuity itself that damages the ability to emotionally bond to one particular person.
Your ex’s belief system favors casual sex – he simply had sex because it is pleasurable, he felt like it and had a willing partner. (Sadly, many men are just like your ex).
Secondly, no healthy human can escape the biochemical aspects of sex: sex boosts emotional attachment and bonds two people.
However, promiscuity impairs this mechanism: the more sexual partners one has, the less this mechanism will work in the future. In the end, yes, the mechanism is broken (perhaps permanently) and sex becomes a habit, something to do but that does no more contribute to bond two people very much.
It is not by chance that the most promiscuous people also seem to be the ones least able to feel attachment to one particular person – they are likely UNABLE to feel true emotional attachment anymore. It probably has something to do with the number of Oxytocin (for women) and Vasopressin (for men) RECEPTORS left.
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
do people like that actually exist? confusing pity for the person for affection?
/QUOTE
It would seem so. A few days ago, I mentioned the “Florence Nightingale” syndrome; it’s not a recognized mental disorder (it’s not in the DSM-IV manual), but it is an interesting psychological mechanism nevertheless… Strong feelings for a “patient”!
http://www.ehow.com/about_5602058_florence-nightingale-syndrome.html
Believe it or not, some people masochistically embrace the hopeless challenge to turn a, say: fat, ugly, despicable person full of problems… into a GQ model with Jesus-Christ-perfect personality.
Nevertheless, it is a losing scenario – an almost-impossible fantasy. Still, it is a fantasy that quite appeals to a loser with low self-esteem that cannot change himself, yet wants to feel a great and powerful conqueror by completely changing someone even more hopeless than himself.
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
co-dependency … is very common in people with low self-esteem (like him). and he fits the symptoms very well: not surprised its inverted narcissism then!
/QUOTE
Agreed. The relationship between the fat woman and your ex seems the classic relationship between a narcissist woman and her co-dependent minion. ANYTHING but a healthy relationship.
Ah, good ol’ DSM-IV manual… Never leave home without it.
http://www.psych.org/MainMenu/Research/DSMIV/DSMIVTR.aspx
The manual allows EARLY IDENTIFICATION of troublesome people, which allows us to avoid them before they have a chance to destroy our lives. It is not a perfect manual… But it explains quite a few things about the human behavior and psyche.
October 15th, 2011
Right link:
http://allpsych.com/disorders/dsm.html
Sorry for posting the wrong one.
October 15th, 2011
Don’t be scared that quite a few people actually ARE a mess and are best avoided.
October 15th, 2011
One more thing to add, then – and to some extent now – I felt that it was better to believe his “stories” cause it was so much more acceptable than the truth of actually thinking that he DID like such a person. cause the thought of it is so disgusting. like, any other girl but her please. and not only that he did something so intimate with her.
u can imagine the extent to which he has mindf—ed me til i dont know what is real.
and thats what disturbs me to this day
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
Do people feel the same biochemical feelings of “love” when they engage in foreplay instead of going full-out for sex?
/QUOTE
We are physical beings; biochemical machines (with the ability to think). Many are unevolved, sensorial-driven reactive automatons with the illusion of free will; others make it a point of thinking before acting.
No matter our individual evolution level, however, EVERYONE is affected by the chemistry of love.
We’ve seen that a gaze – simple eye-to-eye contact – may be enough to “ignite the spark”. I’ve mentioned it several times (from several different sources) that this can trigger feelings of attraction.
But when two people touch each other, the feelings really intensify. A 20-second hug is all it takes to increase our Oxytocin levels.
“Oxytocin is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner- sealing the bond between huggers and triggering the brain’s trust circuits.”
? Louann Brizendine, M.D., The Female Brain
So, foreplay intensifies feelings of attraction – but full sexual intercourse (the “endgame”) intensifies attraction feelings much more, also because other chemicals enter into play (dopamine, which activates the brain’s reward centers).
http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain
“Activities such as caressing, kissing, gazing, hugging, and orgasm can replenish the chemical bond of love and trust in the brain. The Oxytocin-Dopamine rush once again suppresses anxiety and skepticism and reinforces the love circuits in the brain.”
? Louann Brizendine, M.D., The Female Brain
So when our grandmothers gave caring love advice to their own daughters to protect them, perhaps these old women knew much more than we care to admit – including the advice to stay virgin until marriage.
Will people re-discover their ancient wisdom?
October 15th, 2011
“During times of physical separation, when touching and caressing is impossible, a deep, longing, almost a hunger, for the beloved can set in. We are used to thinking of this longing as only psychological, but it’s actually physical. The brain is virtually in a drug-withdrawal state. During a separation, motivation for reunion can reach a fever pitch in the brain.”
- Louann Brizendine, M.D., The Female Brain
This reminds me of the biblical/Jewish concept of Niddah – a period of a number of days during which the husband and wife absolutely cannot touch each other.
It looks to me that in the OT (Old Testament) this was done not only for hygienic reasons (menstruations and bacteria), but for another reason too: to “reignite the spark” by creating a craving/desire for one’s own spouse – a desire which could then be fulfilled (with renewed passion) at the end of the Niddah period.
Interesting stuff, to be sure.
October 15th, 2011
QUOTE
it was better to believe his “stories” cause it was so much more acceptable than the truth of actually thinking that he DID like such a person. cause the thought of it is so disgusting. like, any other girl but her please. and not only that he did something so intimate with her.
/QUOTE
Yeah, the thought that this guy could really like a “Moby Dick with a bad attitude” type is revolting, to say the least. You have every right to feel insulted by his behavior.
One day you’ll see this guy for what he really was – a court jester with a fat harsh ruler to appease, no good jokes to share and the gallows in front of him. A pretty tragic story, if you think about it.
So don’t think about him anymore, leave him behind you and rest assured that many other men have better taste when it comes to spotting a good woman.
Anyway hope my comments helped… If you have more questions, just ask.
October 16th, 2011
@ Evelyn
I just noticed that there are some unanswered questions from your previous posts, I’ll see if I can answer them as well.
In the mean while, do visit the latest linked webpage:
http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain
It contains very interesting stuff. But as usual, you have to read it with a critical mind, questioning everything.
October 16th, 2011
One quick example of “reading with a critical mind”…
The article says, “Humans … are not naturally monogamous”. In other words, if this statement is true, according to this article humans are naturally promiscuous.
But Logic teaches us that something “natural” isn’t necessarily “good/right”.
http://www.fallacyfiles.org/adnature.html
Tobacco is natural. Many find it pleasant to smoke. But is it “good”? I don’t think so (cancer, anyone?) – therefore, I don’t smoke (no thanks, I prefer to be healthy).
Likewise…
I learned that promiscuity does more harm than good – therefore, I plan to have only one sexual partner in my life (my future wife). And I’ll stick to that plan with every ounce of my willpower.
October 16th, 2011
QUOTE
4. what do you think of people who takes AGES to get over thieir “first relationships” and alot of them carry the baggage of this one into the next. whats the big deal abt the first? its jsut like any normal relationship to me. i remb feeling so shocked that he took a year to get over this slut – whereas another girl he liked later, he got over her pretty fast. i have a friend who took ages to get over a bf who cheated on her (she had sex with him too). does it really have to do with liking the person or..other factors like low self esteem, refusing to let go..? i just find it so queer especially if the relationship wasnt even good.
/QUOTE
The first relationship is simply a relationship, but being the first one it has special value.
In marketing, being first on the market gives the “early bird” a huge advantage – total absence of perceptual competition. More specifically, the ability to imprint on a human mind a first idea (good or bad!) of what a relationship looks like.
The first relationship is a true touchstone, against which the next relationships will be compared. (The “touchstone” is a tool for assaying precious metals).
Our conscious mind may eventually forget the first relationship, but our subconscious mind will never forget.
I’ll again quote the book, “Nurturing Natures. Attachment and Children’s Emotional, Sociocultural and Brain Development”, page 89: “Experiences of neglect or trauma, EVEN WHEN NOT CONSCIOUSLY REMEMBERED, can affect … behaviours and attitudes but also HORMONAL SYSTEMS.”
So in many different ways, the first relationship will forever influence us.
That said…
October 16th, 2011
When a relationship ends (due to breakup/divorce or death), people have different “let go” timers. Some let go quickly; others struggle for many years and a few never recover. Why is that?
People are different. Factors such as: self-esteem level, psychological health/problems, life philosophies, relationship order/number/experience weighted for each relation’s intensity, “promiscuity damage” taken, and the degree to which a soul mate had become part of one’s self-image, all these factors (and more) influence the amount of time needed to “let go”.
People who take very long to “move on” may have low self-esteem and believe they can’t live without the lost soul mate. Needless to say, life goes on and sooner or later most discover that even the most wonderful soul mate is but an addition to their life and not a mandatory part of it. A tiny minority even finds total happiness in solitude, with no soul mate at all; you could say they are their own soul mate (I’ve actually read that a certain woman “married” herself…)
On the other side of the spectrum are totally promiscuous people, who unfortunately seem doomed to feel only a fraction of the emotional attachment they should feel for a soul mate. The “upside” (I sneer as I write this word) of being very promiscuous is that one can usually “get over it” rather fast. But then, if he/she says “You are the love of my life” such words should probably NOT be believed at face value…
One more word… Many get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. Instead of working on self-improvement to BRING something good to a relationship once they are ready, they look for a good person to TAKE something from them. The lazy parasitic individual becomes a burden and the relationship is often failed from the beginning. Low self-esteem and the fear of being alone are ABSOLUTELY wrong reasons to get into a relationship; but explaining this to such a person is often futile and can also trigger a certain amount of aggression.
October 17th, 2011
*Puff, pant*… More replies coming soon.
October 17th, 2011
ahahah i’m keeping up, realitybites! but i’ll leave some comments to later.
just one small question, in addition to some you might want to reply to,you mentioned that first relationships are “unforgettable” mainly because they provide the BASIS of COMPARISON for future relationships, so..
1. does it mean the first person u were in a relationship with is always “special”?
2. meaning that, the others who come after arent that great/ special/ valuable anymore? seems like its better to find someone with zero exes then?
3. and, would you ever be in a relationship with someone who has had sex with their FIRST EX. i have a friend who did this and my ex also had sex with moby dick (im really laughing at this one
) who was his FIRST ex. now, why would anyone not only
- want to endure being “compared” to the first ex and seen as less special
- AND on top of that being compared to someone he/she has shared intimate relations of th ehighest level with?
is it just me or that whole thing sounds REALLY unappealing. i rather be someone’s first than second, third, fourth, etc..
October 17th, 2011
and another thing to add, why cant people just be by themselves and enjoy their own company for awhile instead of jumping into all sorts of “relationships”, “rebounds” and what have you and bringing their BAGGAGE along with it into the next relationship etc?
i hardly see how is that fair to the next partner.
i happen to find such ppl really pathetic and needy as well. its like they got nothing better to do in their lives except get a bf/gf and get into messy situations and complicate things for themselves. and spend every.single.minute with that person.
and i thoroughly dislike people who bring along their baggage into the next relationship, and tend to star clear of ppl who have wayy too many exes. is that weird? hmm
October 17th, 2011
im not sure if my concern came across right..but, i usually read stuff on these online sites and people are like,
“i’ll always remember my first love”
“i’m married and i still think about him”
“you dont ever forget your first love, do you?”
etcetcetc.and these are commonly girls, with the occasional guy.
and what i find REALLY disturbing, is that most of them are already in another relationship or even MARRIED. so, what are they still doing thinking about, a person or a relationship that is already LONG OVER?
and for their partners who give 100% or so.. how is that fair? and isn’t thinking or lamenting the loss of a previous relationship which doesnt exist anymore so disrespectful?
i personally would never want to be with someone who’s still thinking of a previous relationship. not sure how you feel about it
October 19th, 2011
QUOTE
1. does it mean the first person u were in a relationship with is always “special”?
2. meaning that, the others who come after arent that great/ special/ valuable anymore? seems like its better to find someone with zero exes then?
/QUOTE
To explain myself, I’ll use the concept of SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities & Threats).
Every person has a unique set of Strengths and Weaknesses in every area of life. And I mean, every single human being. (Even people with low self-esteem usually have at least one strength, they just don’t know or plain forgot).
Firstly, for every relationship we usually have a rough idea of how a particular mate performed in the different areas. For example: X had superior education; Y was the best comic relief; Z was the best at lovemaking. In other words, usually someone will be “the best so far” in some area.
Secondly, we all have priorities and opinions in life. Someone prefers a great lovemaker rather than an excellent conversator, someone else prefers great comic relief to great sex, etc.
Now pay attention to the following concepts:
1. The First One (TM) gets to write a numeric value in many or all “performance categories” as defined by us. (High? Low? Well, he got there first, and he wrote the first values in those boxes, period). And MEMORIES, too.
2. EVERYONE coming after him/her shall be judged according to those VALUES and MEMORIES, like it or not. In other words, a soul mate is evaluated not only in absolute terms (”SWOT chart” of individual strengths and weaknesses), but…
… the ORDER in which we know the various soul mates is very important, as the strengths of the previous soul mates will be used as “touchstones” to judge a person’s strengths.
3. It follows that the First One(TM) has the greatest advantage of all – being first, he/she’ll heavily influence the evaluation of any and all subsequent soul mates. Period. The End. (”I’d rather be his/her last”? Hogwash).
4. Consequently, if the First One(TM) excelled in a particular area (say, lovemaking), almost everyone coming after him/her will be at a disadvantage in that area.
5. All this means that you may not be evaluated fairly, “simply” because someone else “got in” first. A great love story may end abruptly or never begin at all, simply because someone else outclassed you in some category. The game is rigged. So what could have been a great lifetime relationship/marriage will never happen (or at least it won’t work). Is that fair or desirable?
Case in point: a man risks forever being a bill-paying beta male while her ex, an alpha jerk (with NO personality but excellent lovemaking skills), screws his wife silly behind his back. (I certainly DON’T want to be that poor guy).
Summary:
- Many people have unique strengths; some will best the others in at least one category.
- Previous and actual perceptual competition influence our chances of becoming a lifetime soul mate for a particular person.
- “Baggage” (eg. previous “top category performers” and past memories) can and often does negatively influence – and quite possibly ruin – our future, even before it has a chance to begin. It can be a serious and real threat, and very often is.
- Any sexual baggage/past is very likely THE single most dangerous kind of baggage, the one that ALONE can destroy a relationship/marriage’s future. (As discussed and proven multiple times; therefore, again, it’s best to stay virgin until marriage)
- In short, it is better to find someone with a compatible personality and ZERO EXES.
In a nutshell: the past may be “in the past”, but it heavily influences our future.
October 19th, 2011
And here’s a “viral meme” to remind us the undesirability of perceptual competition:
A jewel shines the best when it is alone.
October 19th, 2011
Don’t you just love that statement?
October 19th, 2011
QUOTE
3. would you ever be in a relationship with someone who has had sex with their FIRST EX.
/QUOTE
I’d never, ever be in a relationship with women who had voluntary premarital sex. That includes women who voluntarily got drunk and then someone sexually used their drunken body. I rate such women as high-risk subjects, and I certainly shan’t be a guinea pig for them.
Now, let’s introduce two other categories of women.
1. A raped woman will be considered a “moral virgin” as long as she NEVER had any voluntary sex before marriage.
2. Women who stayed (or were considered) virgin until marriage but their mate died or left, AND never had voluntary sex outside marriage to this very moment.
However, though I respect categories 1 and 2, I still don’t want to marry such women. Not on moral grounds, rather because of the risk profile.
QUOTE
why would anyone not only
- want to endure being “compared” to the first ex and seen as less special
- AND on top of that being compared to someone he/she has shared intimate relations of th ehighest level with?
is it just me or that whole thing sounds REALLY unappealing. i rather be someone’s first than second, third, fourth, etc..
/QUOTE
You are absolutely right – the whole thing would really be unappealing. Especially when it comes to the sexual sphere.
No one in his/her right mind likes being compared. They may swear they don’t compare, etc. but the harsh truth is, they do. Comparison is automatic and beyond their willpower.
October 20th, 2011
I talked on the side with “reality bites” in Feb. Same though of “reality bites”.
But here is the problem, how would you identify who is virgin and who is not virgin.
If you consider asking them, they may lie to you or you will break your relationship. Or they have sex and heal the hymen and lie to you.
I once was thinking a girl is virgin and all my friends have the same thought but then after a month or two she told me she was not. This is seriously hurt.
Whatever the case is, how do you void being cheated?
October 20th, 2011
I believe I already posted some information about that many months ago.
Information warfare is the name of the game. You must get good at it. Its tools are many.
Statistics can help you from a probabilistic point of view – to know, with a good degree of accuracy, if a woman is a virgin or not.
Two examples…
If you see that she is a heavy drinker, it is very likely that she is not a virgin. Or if she goes to church at least once a week, then it is very likely that she is a virgin. Read virginity statistics from studies and keep them in mind as you look for a special girl.
Careful observation and discrete data gathering are very important. If a woman dresses immodestly (visible cue), she clearly doesn’t believe that modesty is important (invisible information), therefore she probably already has lost her virginity or will soon (possibly with someone else).
See: statistics, careful observation, discrete data gathering. Think of yourself like an intelligence-gathering Spymaster.
Sure, there are legal rules to follow. Of course no one should break the law to discover useful information…
October 20th, 2011
Percentage of virgin college students, by Wellesley Major.
http://tinyurl.com/5vf5vss
This is but one example. Could a data table like this help you guess if a woman is a virgin or not? All you have to do is – if she goes to college, of course – to ask what her Major is (unsuspicious information) and listen to what she replies.
Discretely gather more and more information from any and all sources, and cross-check all information with published statistics and logic checks. In the end, in your mind you’ll come up with a rough “probability score”/guesstimate telling you, X has YY% chances of being a virgin.
October 20th, 2011
Here’s one that researchers tested on young ones: Teens who skip breakfast lose virginity earlier.
The researchers reasoned: a stable home life — one that encourages breakfast eating — discourages early sex.
Generally speaking, I believe that a stable home life (healthy eating and sleeping habits – having a regular schedule) can only help prevent problems and depression, therefore reducing the need/desire for sex, therefore increasing the chances to lose virginity at a later date.
So if you see a girl that: is a heavy drinker, dresses like a hooker, has irregular sleep patterns and is always late… Well, it looks very unlikely that she is still a virgin.
October 20th, 2011
Hey there! Wow, somemore food for thought again, thanks alot for the insight
we have very similar thoughts 
will comment more on those points above sometime soon. Meanwhile, again, i would like your kind opinions on the below cause it has been bothering me quite abit
1) like what guy in feb said above and in addition to what you said, besides trying to get information slyly, is it wise to ask the person directly abt his virginity? cause my ex was a quiet guy, SEEMED secure and confident, nice enough, doesnt drink/club/smoke, doesnt hang ard alot with girls.. was pretty disciplined with his religion and breakfast, but wasnt a virgin. so how can you REALLY know? add to the fact that so many ppl lie abt these things.
2) haha, i agree with ur posts on perceptual comparison above. i never beleive the past was JUST in the past. i always believed it had impact on the future etc. then why are some ppl so ignorant abt this? they are like, oh it isnt important now. honestly? hmm.. and what do you think abt these groups of people who still think at their exes when they are already in other relationships, or worse MARRIED? if i still get the vibe that my date is thinking of previous women, im dumping him ASAP
3) what is this whole deal of, “its OK since im doing it with someone i LOVE, even if its before marriage”. for alot of ppl out there, its ok as long as it was out of love. what do you think?
October 24th, 2011
@Evelyn
Let’s start with the easiest question first…
QUOTE
3) what is this whole deal of, “its OK since im doing it with someone i LOVE, even if its before marriage”. for alot of ppl out there, its ok as long as it was out of love. what do you think?
/QUOTE
As a Psychology student, you know that people need to justify their own actions to themselves and others. Some examples:
- Wars are fought in the name of God (crusades)
- Tortures are inflicted in the name of Science/Progress (animal vivisection)
…
- Sexual intercourse is done in the name of Love
At the core of the question, we have that:
1. Some activity is objectively “bad” or subjectively seen as “bad”
2. People who take part in it (or are about to) must justify their own actions to themselves and others by using something “good” (God/Love etc.), to feel “good” (preventing or avoiding cognitive dissonance) and to be seen as “good” (to weaken the forces opposing their own goals and therefore increase their own power).
If the subject can feel “good”/”justified” about his/her own action, he/she can more easily do that something – with less guilt/remorse. So an idea like “Love” is the “green light” or “go ahead” for people who feel justified by it.
In the end, it’s mostly about cognitive dissonance; people try to prevent it (preemptive avoidance of cognitive dissonance) by using an idea to “clean” the “bad” action before doing it, or justify it after the fact (successive avoidance of cognitive dissonance).
A woman can feel “bad” (no-go!) about having sex without love, but feel “good” (it’s a go!) if there is “love” before having sex. And if “love” there wasn’t, she may say that she did it because of “love (at the time)”!
Now matters start getting complicated, since “love” is a very ambiguous word that ultimately means whatever the unique person wants it to mean.
Rest assured that a relationship/marriage cannot truly be successful if the partners do not agree on what “love” means.
When one meant “until death do us part” and the other meant “until you serve my purposes”, that’s where serious problems arise.
October 24th, 2011
I meant, “until you no longer serve my purposes” or alternatively, “as long as you serve my purposes”.
I really need to sleep…
October 20th, 2011
And another thing, I want to know your opinion of my friend.. cause i dont know. she seems to embody the epitome of ignorance and heck-care attitude about virginity like the rest of the world. classic example, cause all my other hetero friends are virgins. we actually had HUGE FIGHT over this topic which i’ll describe below:
it started off with me asking her about my problem with my ex (same one). i was at work and was feeling utterly depressed over my situation. i said something along the lines of “i dont want to be with this guy cause he doesnt have values”. we were talking about other things prior, but it was this line that i made that the shit really hit the fan. she got damn pissed off and responded with:
“i had sex with my ex, does that mean i dont have values?” considering what she knows of my stand on premarital sex and the subject we were on, what else could my answer be? i replied “you did? then well, i dont think you have values in that sense”. and she got DAMN pissed, and i relaly mean, PISSED. and she was like “if having premarital sex with the one i love means i dont have any values then fine” i went on to reply that “pre marital sex has been frowned upon by religions and civilisations for centuries PLUS u are a Christian”.
she went on to say things like “me being a Christian has nothing to do with anything. I believe in God but not Christianity.”, “You have no right to judge me, only God can”, “in case you haven’t noticed, you’re judging my WHOLE PERSON on one act alone, if you cannot accept me then we cannot be friends”.
Although I did apoligise for making it sound like an “insult” or “judgment”, and i did mention i was more accepting of her act than my ex’s, I take that all BACK. after our quarrel, i did ask the qn about my relationship which was what we were SUPPOSED to be talking about in the first place, before she baited me for judgment on her, and she got even more pissed off and went to complain to another friend that i was REALLY INSENSITIVE and continued to talk about my problem even after i insulted her. the friend was more on her side as well.
does it make sense that i dont want to be friends with either of these people? they happen to be the longest pals i;ve known. but seriously?
1. she defended my ex cause she committed the same exact act with him. and tried to tell me that it was “his first relationship”, people think their “first will always last”. well they dont i said. and she was like, “oh, people like to believe they are in the minority”. well, keep deluding yourself.
2. what right did she have to get pissed off with me when 1) i was asking her about MY problem which has nothing to do with her or her lousy relationship and had no links whatsoever, 2) she was projecting her relationship onto mine and my ex’s 3) she essentially turned a whole conversation into it being about her and her ex when that wasnt even the point. so, since she had sex means that everyone had sex for the same reasons, 4) she defended my ex, 5) she was OBVIOUSLY baiting me for an answer. i mean come on, you wanna ask tough questions about yourself and what people think of your values, be prepared to take the heat cause the answer would go either way. and it did go the way she didnt want it to go. what right did she have to get upset, honestly?
3. i didnt even judge her as a person. i didnt even call her names like slut, cheap, whore and al that which i could have very easily done and i didnt even say she was a bad person. she what the hell is she going on about? and no, i dont think judgment is reserved for God, everybody has the right and will judge others, newsflash.
4. her going to church and pretending to be chrisitan in front of her family i find the most despicable. her and her ex-bf used to tell me my ex had pre-marital sex cause he wasnt a christian. yet the both of them were christians and were going at it. HYPOCRITES? certainly so. and acting like a good girl in church and reading the Bible while all the time not even believing in Chrsitianity makes me sick. if she just wants to believe in God, she can just sit at home and believe in Him, rather than go to church and pretend.
5. i used logic and studies to prove my points that premarital sex is bad, how is that a judgment? more like scientific evidence and advice to me. i have evidence and suddenly i’m judgmental? hello? i didnt pluck these statistics out of thin air to humiliate you, they are facts. and she had to use irrationality and emotions to prove her point. hmmm
6. this whole episode just led me to see what a hypocrite she was, not only that, but how bitchy, catty and disagreeable she is. and even WORSE is, she actually thinks a 15-year friendship is WORTH breaking up just over my logical comments. really now? so thats how lightly she sees our friendship? im not even gonna talk about her lack of commmunication and care from her parents, her constant drinking and getting drunk while feeling depressed in her room and in bars and giving out her numbers to random strangers and calling the experience “fun”
7. and the whole point of going back to me asking her my question again after our “quarrel” cause i didnt even see it as a big deal. it was my objective opinion, i told her we could agree to disagree, and that its her life do whatever she wants with it, but NO, she had to keep going it at. after choosing to bait me for a response which she knew was coming and monopolise the entire conversation which was meant to address my issues anyway. i hardly see that as self-centred. if anything, she is the self-centred one.
and im sorry to say this, but no wonder her ex split up with her. becuase if this is the way she communicates, by being bitchy, disregarding the other’s line of logic, and just generally being very childish and emotional, i dont see why any guy would wanna stay for long. her ex used to tell me she refused to communicate with him after constantly blowing up. shes a handful. emotionally unstable..plus the sexual baggage..? ugh.
8. why do people – non-virgins in particular and people who are OK with premarital sex constantly argue that they just have “different value systems” and it deosnt mean they dont have values. and get very offended and emotional when you say they dont. i mean, look at their values, what are they? “having sex before marriage with the one they ‘love’ “.. so.. they are ok with premarital sex. which means they dont value keeping sex til marriage, nor do they value their bodies or virginity in general. and by that line of reasoning, i dont see how they have values. i see people using the term “different values” as a sugarcoated phrase for “no values”.
im typing half asleep here so i hope you get what im saying! i just would like to knoew ur views on these. sorry for the rant! and have a good day!
October 20th, 2011
Dear God, where is the edit button?!
and what happened to the rest of hte 537 posts that were exchanged earlier between other members? hmm
anyway wanted to say this friend was the same one who said her actions “arent a necessary evil and she doesnt need forgiveness or judgment from her friends”.
and im not gonna get started on another “friend” who says my ex’s fat ex is really “pitiful” for getting targetted by me, cause all she was doing was having sex with her bf. gimme a break.
and its hard to find good characters to be friends with these days..
October 20th, 2011
Hi Evelyn,
I’m glad you like my answers.
You can find previous posts by typing in your URL address:
http://www.everywomansblog.com/does-a-guy-mind-that-his-girlfriend-is-not-a-virgin/comment-page-X
where X is the page number. Currently page 6.
I’ll read your latest posts and post a reply as soon as I get some spare time.
October 20th, 2011
And yes, an Edit button would really be useful!
November 17th, 2011
@ Evelyn
My bad, 3 weeks passed since my last comment! Sorry about that. I’ve been busy fighting some miserable people in real-life.
Now let me re-read your comment in-depth…
QUOTE
i said something along the lines of “i dont want to be with this guy cause he doesnt have values”.
/QUOTE
I fully understand your point of view in terms of common language – but technically, everyone has his/her own set of values. Be it because of wisdom or stupidity, knowledge or ignorance, past experience… Everyone has a set of values, whether they know it or not.
The real question to ask is: are they good values… Or bad values?
Deep within each one of us, there is a set of rules that govern our behavior. Of course, everything considered, the wiser individuals will admit that sex outside marriage does more harm than good.
However, not everyone is wise.
QUOTE
she got damn pissed off and responded with:
“i had sex with my ex, does that mean i dont have values?” considering what she knows of my stand on premarital sex and the subject we were on, what else could my answer be? i replied “you did? then well, i dont think you have values in that sense”. and she got DAMN pissed, and i relaly mean, PISSED.
/QUOTE
Here we can observe an important point: when we challenge other people’s beliefs, they often take it personally and may even become aggressive. This is something that I really do not like about many people – they identify so much with their belief system that if we openly disapprove it they’ll personally feel under attack and become hostile.
(Continues…)
November 17th, 2011
@ Evelyn
QUOTE
i went on to reply that “pre marital sex has been frowned upon by religions and civilisations for centuries PLUS u are a Christian”.
she went on to say things like “me being a Christian has nothing to do with anything. I believe in God but not Christianity.”, “You have no right to judge me, only God can”,
/QUOTE
As far as I know, the same Bible that narrates Christ’s life also condemns sex outside marriage (both premarital and adulterous sex). But I doubt your friend would change her ways if you told her.
Truth is, many don’t want to follow strict rules (and could never uphold them), and so they create their own watered-down religion instead, to feel good about themselves that they have “God”’s approval! But is it the same God of the religion they claim to follow? No way. They merely created their own God – an idol.
“…fornicators, idol worshipers and all liars: their part is in the burning Lake of Fire and Brimstone”.
(Revelation 21:8, Aramaic Bible in Plain English)
(The word “Fornication” includes, but probably isn’t limited to, premarital sex).
Ok… Religious parenthesis over.
I quoted this just to show how ignorant many self-proclaimed “christians” are. They can’t even follow the most obvious Christian rules!
QUOTE
“in case you haven’t noticed, you’re judging my WHOLE PERSON on one act alone, if you cannot accept me then we cannot be friends”.
/QUOTE
Again, see? Many tend to feel under personal attack when one openly condemns a particular way of living that they happen to be following!
(Continues…)
October 22nd, 2011
Thanks for the information reality bites
What is exactly the game “Information warfare”? Is that a video game or game for find our half ?
According to the statistic you gave on the major
http://spike.mtvnimages.com/images/import/blog//1/8/7/8/1878723/200903/1237329279944.jpg
It seems that there is about more than 60% college students are virgin. This is too much higher than reality. What year is this statistic for?
Is there any other statistic (other studies subject) relate to virginity?
The world is darkening to me now
. I was with 2 girls before, one at the time btw, I like them very much, and they do like me a lot too. But we can not stay together since we have to move to different country, for the first time I moved, second time she moved.What on earth going on with my life? I can’t be with a good one?. Now the third time, I met a girl, this time a non-virgin, after knowing this. For being a virgin guy going with a non-virgin lady( not girl anymore), I feel bad terrible. I feel hurt and always thinking about the scene which they did it. I want to talk out loud, but I know that, no body in this world care about it and listen to me. All people would say, it is not important nowadays. For them, the one who care like me is just a rare animal. What on earth drive the mind of the modern society people to this thinking? Why the trend of sex before marriage is so popular nowadays?
October 22nd, 2011
QUOTE
“Information warfare”? Is that a video game or game for find our half?
/QUOTE
No, it is not a videogame.
“X is the name of the game” is just an idiomatic phrase.
http://tinyurl.com/64987qj
Information warfare is a kind of war between a subject who wants to discover a true information and another subject who possesses it.
Discovering a particular information and discovering whether it’s true or false are the essence of information warfare.
For example…
Your goal (mission objective, if you will) is to discover whether a girl is still a virgin or not; her goal is to tell you whatever suits her purposes (in other words, she may tell you the truth or not depending on her objectives).
She may lie about her sexual status because she may be an “ashamed virgin”, or because she likes you but isn’t a virgin anymore.
Your goal is to discover her true sexual status – granted, it is not easy but by behaving in a certain way you can increase your chances of discovering the truth.
October 22nd, 2011
QUOTE
It seems that there is about more than 60% college students are virgin. This is too much higher than reality. What year is this statistic for?
/QUOTE
Remember that statistics are about the concept of “average”. For example, it seems plausible to me that women who spend more time reading in libraries and churches rather than visiting sexy night clubs and bars are more likely to be virgins.
Find places that “contain” more virgins and you’ll have better (”higher than average”) chances of finding a virgin girl.
I believe the statistics were recorded at Wellesley College in 2001.
Also remember, you cannot discover reality simply by talking to a few women; the sample may not be representative of the population it is drawn from. That’s why studies and statistics exist – to overcome our lack of top-down broad vision.
QUOTE
Is there any other statistic (other studies subject) relate to virginity?
/QUOTE
I’ve seen several. I’ll see if I can make a post with all that I’ve found so far.
October 22nd, 2011
I just remembered that this blog allows only ONE link per post. If this rule is broken, the post is automatically erased before it is even published. (Just ask AmanJohn)
October 22nd, 2011
QUOTE
. I was with 2 girls before, one at the time btw, I like them very much, and they do like me a lot too. But we can not stay together since we have to move to different country, for the first time I moved, second time she moved.
The world is darkening to me now
/QUOTE
Stuff happens. I know you feel discouraged, but you must be strong and go on with your life.
QUOTE
What on earth going on with my life? I can’t be with a good one?.
/QUOTE
There are many wonderful women, and even though you may not think so, you can find one of them and be happier with her.
Notice that I said, happier; you must first find happiness within yourself, and when you’ll have upped your self-esteem (being comfortable with the notion that being alone is not a curse but simply another way of living), women will notice that and start flocking to you like bees to honey! Trust me on that one.
And the more women you know, the higher your chances of finding a virgin.
Also, I think that you should leave the nonvirgin woman, because deep within yourself you know that she’s not The One that you are looking for.
October 22nd, 2011
@Evelyn
QUOTE
i feel like i can’t find a nice, good virgin man anymore and i worry alot about that. what if i hit 30 and im still single? with no good virgin man in sight? =( i feel sad thinking abt that.
/QUOTE
Don’t get discouraged, because some virgin men still exist. But like I said to “a guy from feb.”, we all must fully understand a few things:
1. there is an “information warfare” going on (virgin-seekers versus virginity-hiders and virginity-fakers) – learn its rules to increase your chances of success!
2. the more men you meet, the more likely you are to find the special virgin soul mate you are looking for
3. being alone is neither a curse nor a long-term condition for a person of good will with high self-esteem
4. if we increase our self-esteem (we all must) we become more attractive, therefore increasing our chances of finding our ideal soul mate faster
I’m busy in real life lately, but I’ll reply to your other posts when I get more spare time.
October 22nd, 2011
Aaaargh… I wrote:
“The more men you meet”… which obviously applies to women.
I really wanted to post:
“The more people you meet”… to make the post gender-neutral. My apologies to fellow straight men who were offended by my previous post.
WHERE IS THE EDIT BUTTON???
October 22nd, 2011
QUOTE
no body in this world care about it and listen to me. All people would say, it is not important nowadays. For them, the one who care like me is just a rare animal. What on earth drive the mind of the modern society people to this thinking? Why the trend of sex before marriage is so popular nowadays?
/QUOTE
Certain unseen forces are engineering society to be full of ignorant, promiscuous people unfit for marriage. In order for such forces to prosper, the Family (as both a naturally-occurring organizational unit and stronghold of peace and happiness) must be destroyed.
This is not happening by accident; Feminism (the objectification and mercification of woman under a deceiving name) is their main tool. And the end goal is… Destruction of the Family.
“Divide and conquer”, said the Romans. Subjects who are divided are easier to rule.
Not only that…
The porn industry must sell more erotic magazines. Hollywood must sell more movies. Pharmaceutical and medical companies must sell more contraceptives, STD “remedies” and abortion pills. Governmental teen pregnancy prevention and food stamp programs must be ever more funded. Lawyers must sue more people – earning money from divorces and taking people’s assets, as well as defending “gay rights”. Psychiatrists and “relationship consultants” must increase the number of billed hours.
All these forces, and more, seem to have no interest in opposing promiscuity as a way of life – in fact, they have nothing to lose and everything to gain if people in society adopt a more promiscuous lifestyle.
Sad, but true.
October 27th, 2011
QUOTE
i never beleive the past was JUST in the past. i always believed it had impact on the future etc. then why are some ppl so ignorant abt this? they are like, oh it isnt important now. honestly? hmm..
/QUOTE
Let’s see what we mean by “ignorance” here.
Most people believe what looks most convenient to them. Unfortunately, more often than not, they hold false beliefs – most often harmful beliefs. “The past is past”? Not so.
People are ignorant mostly because:
1. Learning something new takes effort; unfortunately, many are lazy and prefer sticking to old beliefs – even if they’re harmful!
2. Replacing a false belief with truth takes courage, humility, self-esteem, objectivity and rationality; unfortunately, many lack such qualities and prefer sticking to beliefs that are wrong, perhaps comforting (”the past is past”) but harmful nevertheless.
3. Many believe they can “have it all” and cannot understand that some courses of action are incompatible; you can’t “have your cake and eat it, too”. Maximum bonding power (virginity at marriage), OR reduced bonding power (promiscuity/sexual past). Opportunity cost.
4. Economic and political powers thrive from people’s ignorance so they won’t do anything against it (eg. see above; condom producers will hardly discourage people from being promiscuous, because increased promiscuity means increased sales for them!). In fact, some forces and organizations will actively fight so that people are kept in a state of perpetual ignorance!
October 27th, 2011
@Evelyn
QUOTE
what do you think abt these groups of people who still think at their exes when they are already in other relationships, or worse MARRIED? if i still get the vibe that my date is thinking of previous women, im dumping him ASAP
/QUOTE
As we said: the past is IN the past but NOT past. Our past influences our future.
Yes, many think of their exes even when they’ve long been in a new relationship. This can be a serious, objective threat for their new soul mate.
Now here’s the important take-home point:
Sex makes people think of the past MUCH more than they should. Therefore, once more, it’s wise to stay virgin until marriage. That way, we’ll have no baggage to bring into the most important relationship: the one between us and our spouse – the one you choose to spend your life with, your choice of a lifetime.
Of course, marrying a virgin soul mate is the best thing to do – a person with much-reduced emotional baggage; someone who’ll think of YOU instead of someone else.
If one keeps dwelling in the past – by thinking of exes instead of thinking of you – is most definitely wronging you.
Dumping unrepentant “past-dwellers” after a standard warning is a rational thing to do – you must concentrate your forces on finding someone devoted to YOU, rather than to someone else. This is perfectly rational.
You do not want to marry a potential cheater – and nonvirgins, whether they like it or not, will think about the past and always have at least some cheating potential within them.
October 27th, 2011
@Evelyn
I’ll complete my unfinished homework at a later time.
November 21st, 2011
@realitybites: ok! id be waiting haha. sorry havent been here in awhile!
November 28th, 2011
Hey reality bites! Hope u are dg fine! Hmm I just some recurring thoughts of my ex the past few days. Thoughts of his sexual past and what exactly he did and the emotions are flooding back again though not at such an intense rate as in the past. It started when he asked if we could be a couple on future I replies by saying no, the most we can be is friends. He then felt very sad and I felt bad for some reason and that’s were all the thoughts started..
Could it be a defense mechanism? And how would u handle it? :/
December 1st, 2011
Hi Evelyn, I’m fine thanks, hope you’re fine too.
In extreme synthesis, here are my thoughts…
It’s good that you said NO to your ex – and you have every right to reject him, ESPECIALLY given his past behavior. So, you should not feel guilty – not in the least!
Indeed, guilt is a built-in human mechanism. But…
Be aware that someone may use your natural guilt feelings to manipulate you and “emotionally blackmail” you into a relationship; do not fall for it. Quickly identify and resist such forms of vile manipulation.
We good people naturally feel bad if our actions hurt somebody (even if our actions are legit!). Scammers know this and will try to take advantage of us; but we won’t allow them to, will we?
Ask yourself:
Is he a good person? The answer is no. Why feel guilty? He proved to possess MANY negative qualities and features. An unrepentant, unreliable, hypocrite manipulator and pathological liar with many vices and little control over himself – AND a heavily penalizing sexual past. Do not fall for his pathetic excuses and mind tricks!
Again, ask yourself: why feel guilty? HE has hurt you – beyond belief! Convince yourself that he’s unworthy of calling you “friend”, let alone “girlfriend”, and that you deserve MUCH better. Rest assured that over time, the guilt feelings will go away!
So do not worry about him, and instead search for a GOOD soul mate (preferably a virgin) that will REALLY love you!
December 8th, 2011
Yes we guys care if a girl is a virgin or not. Girls should not have sex before marriage because its morally and religiously wrong. Let me put it this way: If I went to a grocery store and saw a apple. I should buy the apple first (marry the girl first) before eating it (having sex). But if I do not buy it and just take a bite out of it and leave it, would you take a bite out of the same apple or rather have a new one. Sorry sluts we guys like virgins whether you like it or not.
December 8th, 2011
Yeah man your right. Society makes it seem okay to have sex with your boyfriend but it is not.
January 28th, 2012
@ Henry
You need to get off your high horse and seriously look at what you said regardless of whether it is wrong religiously or morally thats a topic for another time who are you to judge and say that just because someone has sex with their significant other outside of marriage is a slut. I could judge you right now and say that your an asshole but then I would be sinking down to your level. You don’t know these girls that had sex outside of marriage are you them? Have you walked a mile in their shoes? No, so until you do you have no right to judge them and call them names that they should totally be not be called. That is so not true. A slut is someone that does one night stands not only with single guys but with guys in committed relationships. A slut is someone that has no set boundaries whatsoever and will do it with any guy who will have her regardless of age, background, and their commitment as I stated previously. I’m not a slut so I wouldn’t know but my guess is that sluts also aren’t the best at keeping themselves safe with using protection.
@ James-No Henry is not right especially with the slut comment and I personally think who are we to tell others what they are doing is wrong or right I could see telling a slut or someone that has an affair hey what your doing is wrong because it’s hurting the innocent third party the wife or husband who is remaining faithful it’s a not cool to have someone get hurt. But if your in a committed relationship where neither one of you are cheating that isn’t a marriage your not hurting anyone by cheating and I think that having sex before marriage gives you experience in life, relationships, and physical and emotional intimacy- if I could change the past and keep my virginity I wouldn’t because it has made me a stronger person with the three relationships and the one night stands/etc that I’ve had its taught me that there really is a difference between having sex where its just sex and making love. Also, I learned what not to do and what to do and I grew and matured from my experiences with my relationships to prevent bad habits from reoccuring in the next relationship. The way to make sex great is through experience so if you get married and your both virgins and you never with any other people you have nothing to compare with and won’t learn whether the grass really is better on the other side or not. Plus if your both virgins and you marry one or both of you is going to get upset because your both lost and have no clue what your doing which isn’t a healthy relationship and will make you just give up having sex all together and that seriously doesn’t sound fun to me at all. So this is my opinion you said yours. Henry-you don’t need to judge or name call though that’s just not cool. So if you both want to marry a virgin and have no clue what your doing and in a sense be possibly miserable hey that’s your choice-good luck with that
January 28th, 2012
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWFj1mT8s_k
January 28th, 2012
Virgin grapes… Those who can’t get them despise them.
December 20th, 2011
Absolutely – virgin all the way. If I can save that act for my future spouse, she sure as hell is expected to do the same.
December 24th, 2011
Happy Holidays everyone!
How time flies…
Hopefully I’ll manage to post some more stuff within a few days.
Mainly stuff about chemistry… and how to deal with people around you! And also replies to unanswered questions.
Stay tuned!!
December 27th, 2011
haha, a very late Merry Christmas to you RealityBites! and all you other readers
i will be staying tuned to your new posts!
and i have one other question.. hmm. there are times when I start actually ruminating about my former relationship with this ex (sucks that he doesn’t want to completely leave me alone). i used to have the ruminations all the time. like i would think of what they did etc, think about the horror I’ve been through (I’m not exaggerating), the number of sleepless nights i used to spend staying awake crying myself to sleep thinking about the situation and how i was supposed to get out of it.
anyways, i recently visited a place near his hometown – we live in different countries – and it triggered the thoughts again.. what they did etc. and i never felt so miserable for days, in a foreign country. it was a miserable few days and i was so surprised that such a topic still bothered me a little (though not as bad as in the past).
a male friend once told me i exhibited signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. and that’s like.. so serious!! i checked the signs and symptoms and they matched what i experienced.. when the thoughts are triggered.. i feel suffocated (literally), i would feel completely alone in a crowded shopping mall, and i would literally feel like throwing up. plus i had anxiety attacks as well. and all these cause of the thoughts are really serious stuff.. don’t ya think?
anyway how do i ever get over the thoughts? will i EVER get over them? what do i do when they appear in my head and my subconscious tries to get me to think longer about it? hmm.
hope you are enjoying your holidays!
December 30th, 2011
Hi Evelyn,
I’m not really on holiday but I’m trying to relax a bit for sure.
It’s been a very busy year!
I’m sorry to hear that bad memories still haunt you. But I’m glad to hear that you and him now live in different countries, so you don’t see him as often now.
Here are my thoughts about this truly pathetic guy and how to move on with your life…
What follows is advice for you, but others can benefit as well so I’ll write in general terms.
December 30th, 2011
QUOTE
how do i ever get over the thoughts? will i EVER get over them? what do i do when they appear in my head and my subconscious tries to get me to think longer about it? hmm.
/QUOTE
Obviously, the first line of defense is avoidance. Whenever possible, avoid any situation, image, song etc. that reminds you of That Person. It won’t always be possible, but do your best to avoid nevertheless.
The Romans had “damnatio memoriae” – damnation of memory. People who were declared enemies of Rome were literally erased from existence – their name, images and effigies were removed and destroyed, as if they never existed in the first place! So, take careful note of this and do what follows…
Review absolutely ALL photos and negatives in your possession. Put those portraying That Person in a “DANGER” pile. (Images endangering your tranquility of mind).
Once you have so purified your photo albums, for each incriminated image you have different options.
DESTROY – Insignificant photos can simply be destroyed. Very carefully and calmly ponder the pros and cons, then do it. (Try saying “Fry in Hell, moron!” as you cast photos of your ex into a fireplace – it may bring great relief! You may even burst out in laughter!
)
HIDE – Put it in your “Chest Of Horrors(TM)” in the attic, and don’t examine its contents before 10 years from now, and then sparingly (possibly never again). (”The Picture of Dorian Gray” comes to my mind!)
EDIT – When people you love are visible and you want to save the picture! You’ll most often need professionals to smoothly erase That Person out.
Done? Good.
Now do something similar regarding songs. Avoid “sensitive” songs at all costs. Take them out of your favorite list in your MP3 player, store away incriminated records and have the remote control or radio knob ready just in case the song is broadcast.
Enlist the help of your TRUE allies (any people who you’re on good terms with: the list may include parents, relatives and true friends) who knew about your relationship with your ex. Ask them to NEVER, ever talk about That Person, not even if you ask them to. If an image or song bothers you (and your ally is willing to help) tell them so and thank them for their understanding.
Flee from any negative cues that you cannot avoid otherwise.
December 30th, 2011
Your second line of defense is: keeping busy.
If you’re a student, study more and earn even better marks. Or evaluate the possibility and effects of finding a decent part-time job near where you live.
If you’re a worker, work more and better.
(Do not neglect entertainment – we need some relax as well).
The main idea here is: if you’re busy, you have less time to think about That Person.
December 30th, 2011
The third line of defense is: fighting!
Ok, so far you’re avoiding unpleasant situations and keeping yourself busy. Good. But…
Suddenly, thoughts of That Person come back to haunt you!
So what do you do?
Since the previous defense lines were penetrated, you’ll have to fight – tooth and nail!
When you can’t forget about your jerk ex, always remember:
1. He’s a jerk! A pathetic conglomerate of UNIVERSALLY negative qualities. Have a clear, concise list of his numerous shortcomings and grotesqueries (eg. “he lied to me – innumerable times!”, “he’s insincere/hypocritical”, “he threatened me several times”, “he indulges in telling dirty jokes”, “he stinks”, etc.). Then look at the list and ask yourself if you’re feeling jealousy/attachment for the right guy… Or if it’s better to rightly consider him utterly ridiculous, hate him for wasting your irreplaceable time and tell yourself that you deserve much better and will do much better without him! (At which point, you may feel the urge to follow my earlier advice to throw at least some of his photos in a fireplace while yelling “Fry in Hell, moron!”
A great way to channel your rage and laugh!)
2. You’re far wiser now than a few years ago, so though the “old you” met and dated this guy, the “new you” would never do such a thing. Accept past mistakes, avoid making greater mistakes and tell yourself that you have to move on.
By the way, it grieves me greatly that many women seem to be fascinated by jerks – scum who treat them like garbage but to whom they often lose their virginity. I’m glad that you didn’t fall into such traps.
And consider yourself lucky: if you HAD fallen into his trap, your bad memories would have caused you twenty times the damage and lasted twenty times as much! No kidding.
December 30th, 2011
I’ll post some more later.
December 28th, 2011
and oh, the content of the thoughts are usually the exact details, like what they did, what happened, the sequence of events and all when people have sex. its disgusting i know.. but its just there. i can’t help it. didn’t help that when we broke up i forced a lot of information out of him. and its like stuck in my head ever since. eating me up.
sigh
January 1st, 2012
QUOTE
and oh, the content of the thoughts are usually the exact details, like what they did, what happened, the sequence of events and all when people have sex. its disgusting i know.. but its just there. i can’t help it.
/QUOTE
You are right; unfortunately, you can’t help it. Don’t feel ashamed if you have such thoughts. Jealousy programming is hard-wired into ALL of us. It’s part of our human nature.
It’s very common for people to have such thoughts (though few will admit it).
So we must be VERY careful who we have a relationship with; otherwise, “the thoughts” may haunt us for a very, very long time. And let me tell you, all that energy spent fighting “the thoughts” could have been useful for so many other things.
Again, you can help yourself by trying to see your ex in the right light. You now see him for what he is (insert list of negative qualities). He wasn’t worthy of being with you, and is best forgotten.
You learned what a bad person looks like; you’ll have better luck in the future, because you’ll be more selective. The next time you’ll see “red flags” (lying, laziness, etc.), you won’t ignore them, I’m sure.
QUOTE
sigh
didn’t help that when we broke up i forced a lot of information out of him. and its like stuck in my head ever since. eating me up.
/QUOTE
This is quite common, too. Driven by jealousy and curiosity, one often inquires about the details… And they stick in one’s head.
Once I know that a woman is not a virgin anymore, I don’t inquire about the details. It would be a counterproductive waste of time, simply because I am not interested in nonvirgins. (If nonvirgins are offended by this… Well, that’s their problem!)
December 28th, 2011
and realitybites:
there’s something i want to share about a recent encounter with him. i had to get back my expensive textbooks as i needed them for the school term next year. so i waas having dinner when he dropped by the place and not being able to finish my food, i left and asked if he wanted it since i was gonna be wasting a lot. i shouldn’t have said that, cause it started a whole bunch of crap from him.
first, he started saying this was the first time in a long while that i have been really nice to him (mind you we have already broken up). i was really surprised he said this and asked, “have i not treated u well when we were together”? i find it so appalling he can even come up with such a thing considering the amount of his crap i put up with then, his sexual past and insensitivity. so he said, oh no, its just i used to hurt him quite a bit back when we were together too.. and sometimes when people hurt others they aren’t sure of it. and that the amount of times i hurt him was the same as the amount i hurt him. i was so irritated! this guy has put me through tons of misery and he’s aware of it and he’s now trying to compare the number of times i hurt him too. seriously? my male friend said it smelt of emotional blackmail. feeling extremely irritated by then, i told him to list an example.
he told me there was something i said then that hurt his male pride/ego, and that was when i told him he didn’t know what he was doing in his life and had no direction or control. and then i recalled that incident. it had to do with him secretly watching porn when he had already swore that he wouldn’t. i have a thing about guys who watch porn, and it doesn’t help his case in particular, given his sexual past and the endless amount of hardcore ones he has admitted to watching in his teenage years.
i admitted i totally lost my temper and messaged him something pretty nasty. i know i can really explode when i have been keeping things inside me for too long. doesn’t help that I’m dealing with someone like him. BUT then, what i did say about him losing control IS the truth about him, which he somehow doesn’t seem to be able to realize. thats the whole reason why he can engage in sexual activities with lower than sexual workers-female scum!! and then he went on to say how i hurt him and he couldn’t stop crying. and then he went on to say how people cannot control themselves.. or that some things are in a person’s control, but some things are not and then only after it has happened then only does a person realize. realize WHAT? i couldn’t be bothered to ask him realize what cause he has this tendency to spout complete utter tripe even when we were together. i used to dissect everything he said cause i couldn’t understand how could someone think that way, but now i can’t be bothered.
and its this “its not in my control” argument that he used to use to explain his sexual past that really blew up my blood pressure levels. i find it so ridiculous anyone can consciously make a decision to do something like have sex with a scumbag and then go on to say “i couldn’t control” and i only realized after that its a mistake.. like PLEASE. gimme a break from all these lame pathetic excuses.
plus i was let in on how deluded this guy is when he told me that if we ever got together in future we should quarrel more since we didn’t quarrel much when we were together. i was rolling my eyes so hard. i have made it clear that i don’t see a future for us cause we are NOT compatible in many ways and he still hasn’t gotten it into his thick skull. by the way, this entire conversation we were having, he was speaking and behaving in a passive-aggressive manner which was very scary for me.
add to the fact that this guy is majorly removed from reality and utterly deluded that i have no idea how am i gonna have to remove him from my life when i find someone else. =( sigh. the consequences of dating such a person..
January 2nd, 2012
Oh dear. This guy’s a narcissist, resentful (keeps count of old scores), hypocritical, compulsive molester. Like, Satan himself!
By all means, write down all his negative qualities (as a reminder of what NOT to look for in a man), and confide your feelings to REAL friends (NOT the female ones you mentioned weeks ago). Relief assured. That’s phase one.
But at some point (phase two), you’ll have to leave him behind you – by applying the above mentioned strategies: avoidance and keeping busy (and when that’s not enough: fighting the memories by re-evaluating them). The less you think about him, the less you’ll think about how much he’s hurt you, the better you’ll feel. He’s wasted so much of your time, don’t let him waste any more!
Good luck in finding a (much) better boyfriend (possibly a virgin!). When you find him, he’ll keep your mind busy and definitely help you forget your ex more quickly.
Just make sure he respects you and understands why virginity is important to you.
And don’t forget the data and studies I’ve quoted – I mentioned them because I want people to think before they act. Virginity until marriage seems like the best choice to me… It is my hope that someday people will come to the same conclusion.
January 2nd, 2012
I almost forgot…
QUOTE
this guy is majorly removed from reality
/QUOTE
I particularly liked this statement.
So very true and to the point!!
December 29th, 2011
oh and one more thing. he asked me if i have anything to say to him regarding what he said above. and i said no. theres nothing to say. ive said the same things so many times its like a broken record on replay.
and he told me something along the lines that i’ve matured and he’s so proud of me. *shakes head*. he also has this tendency of labelling people who can talk about “dirty” stuff and “dirty” jokes as “mature”. something i cant really wrap my head around..
..forever shaking my head…
January 2nd, 2012
He’s an egocentric Drama King personality type, wanting attention at all costs. He doesn’t want a dialogue. He wants DRAMA! He provokes you to see your reaction.
As a Psychology student, you certainly know the DSM-IV manual. Especially read the parts about the narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders. You’ll find the description of your ex!
Links:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
January 2nd, 2012
Histrionic Personality Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder
(damn “1 post, 1 link” blog rule!)
Look at this personality trait…
QUOTE
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.
/QUOTE
Histrionics often don’t have the ability to delay (sexual) gratification. Too bad this ability is absolutely necessary to stay virgin until marriage!
This, and the fact that Histrionics find it difficult to handle conflicts peacefully (having low frustration tolerance), practically guarantee that Histrionics will rarely, if ever, get to Marriage Heaven.
Avoid Histrionics like the plague!
January 2nd, 2012
By the way, I indirectly replied to an earlier question: How to know if someone is a virgin or not?
For example…
Observe his/her behavior. If he/she has Histrionic Personality Disorder, then it is very unlikely that he/she is a virgin, or that he/she will be a virgin for long (or faithful for long, for that matter).
Monogamy and histrionicism don’t quite get along well. You have been warned!
January 9th, 2012
Happy New Year! RealityBites and everyone else
^ And ya, histrionic/narcissistic personalities make good research subjects but.. haha i wouldnt date them for all the tea in india. unstable, self-centred, warped view of reality, people and themselves. such people never find any sort of “true love” in their lives. they just arent functional enough to keep a functional relationship going..
anyway your advice earler on defense lines was perfect! thanks! i’ve been doing something close to that earlier actually. and it also saddens me to see alot of women sleeping with garbage men and then getting dumped after. but to some extent, these are the women who to me, are on the same frequency as these garbage men so when i think about it more, i dont feel too sorry for them. they asked for it. like my friend who told me:
“i regretted it after finding out who he was. but back then it felt real”. she meant the love felt real. i was like, ya right. it did. those were the chemicals released in your body during sex that makes love and all feel “real” during sex. which is why so many people make declarations of love during sex but can hardly do the same outside of the bedroom.
and why would any female in their right minds have sex with men they “dont know well”? then arent u just having sex with a stranger, in essence? its just so appalling that alot of people dont spend the time getting to know the person for who they REALLY are, and instead are more bothered about when to have sex. then after they “find out” about him they “regret”. give me a break. ignorance and lame-ness at its best.
and which is why i dont feel sorry for such people. they scoff at sex workers, but at least sex workers are paid to have sex. people who have sex freely are just that – they give away sex freely – and are in reality much cheaper than sex workers in every sense of the word – but then they try and act all righteous about it and mock virgins thereafter. *forever shaking my head*
January 10th, 2012
Hi Evelyn, glad I could help!
Yeah, Happy New Year!
To you, and to everybody else.
QUOTE
at least sex workers are paid to have sex.
/QUOTE
My thoughts exactly! People have such double standards. Actually, virgins are sometimes more criticized than sex workers! To the point that many cave in to peer pressure (showing lack of character) and end up having sex outside marriage (including casual sex), thus jeopardizing the chances of having a successful long-term/lifetime monogamous relationship in the future.
January 9th, 2012
anyway realitybites, i have some questions for u:
1. you mentioned stowing away things of your ex that you dont really want to get rid of. hmm. ive been in a situation like that before where he accidentally showed me a card but that had things he wanted to give to his ex inside it. i was pretty upset seeing those. do i have a right to feel upset? and the bigger question is, should one ever keep things from a previous relationship? a friend told me that such things should be totally removed cause they are no longer relevant in the present and i sorta agree.. but.. hmm. u think?
2. would you feel pissed off if you are dating a person who is constantly talking about their exes. like when he sees a girl wearing a denim skirt, he would say things like, “o my exes used to wear skirts like that, do you wear them too?” or like if its an ex’s birthday today, he would mention it.. -.- would you suggest dumping him? ha
3. is it really “ok” or “normal” for men to be watching porn? or like looking at nude pictures of women and stuff when he already has a gf? i have long wondered about this. like alot of women seem bothered, but another group of women are like.. its normalll. you should watch porn with him too! and what kind of effect would it have on a man who watches too much of the hardcore ones in his teens?
4. there’s another thing i’ve experienced myself before. and some of my female friends have too and seem bothered by it. its when their boyfriends see an attractive girl walking and they comment to their girlfriends, “wow she’s pretty!”. or seeing some celeb on tv and saying she’s pretty/sexy. alot of girls dont quite like it i realise. i have a friend who’s dating this guy who will send her pictures of celebs he finds pretty and asks her if she feels the same.. i find it kinda passive-aggressive and a little weird. but what do you think about instances like these?
5. this is completely off the virginity topic, but haha, i’ve been trying to teach myself logical reasoning for awhile now. i used to be so fascinated with it in my first year of college but i didnt do too well in it. do you have any particular resources that teaches it well?
hope you are enjoying your new year!
January 17th, 2012
Evelyn,
This wasn’t directed at me but I feel like I can answer it.
1. I agree. I was skeptical at first, but if you’re entering a new relationship with someone, it would be detrimental to enter it thinking about prior relationships. It shows you’re hurting, more worried about what happened, and not at all ready for a new one.
2. Comparisons are not healthy to ones self-esteem. If I were compared to, I’d ask him/her to stop, and if he or she doesn’t, I’ll find other friends.
3. Men with low self-esteem and mommy issues watch porn, as well as the women who enable them because they’re standards are often so low they’ll settle to ‘keep a man.’
4. I’m a male (heterosexual, which I hope is obvious), but in your situation I’d have left. A committed relationship should be totally committed, if he can’t keep his eyes off other women ask why and dependent on the reason, i.e. if he’s struggling with a porn addiction or the like, then get him help. But it’s not your responsibility. You may also want to consider whether or not you want to date such a man to begin with. But porn addiction is a very common problem among males (something like 90% in the US) and its even something I struggled with for a long time. It has everything to do with one’s character, and that effects their personality.
5. I think you mean objective-thinking rather than subjective (i.e. judging others, reasoning based on your feelings, etc).
You sound like you’re exactly where I was not too long ago but I wouldn’t (and will not) consider a non-virgin woman. The difference is after struggling with the issue so much (years), it really developed my character so I learned to stop judging them and others in general.
You really can’t help if the vast majority of the population have family values worse than that of animals (in fact, they’re worse — animals don’t get HIV but there is a rough equivalent in certain macrospecies, i.e cats, though I don’t think its sexually transmitted — forget what it’s called). You just have to accept nearly all of those who have pre-marital sex are broken, that this does indeed impact their lives in many ways that almost all of them won’t attribute to pre-marital sex, and that it does severely impact society (politics, economics, social cohesion, etc). And then focus on the issues being effected so your life can be happy, financially successful (economically secure despite what’s going to happen to the US economy within ten years), etc.
January 28th, 2012
People who have premaritial sex aren’t broken. Thank you for not judging all though we both know that’s not true because in a later comment you call people whores and pieces of shit-so not cool dude- walk a mile in their shoes are you them no and your a non-virgin so thats why of course you don’t know the difference between the label a slut and a non slut. Let me educate you- a slut is considered someone who will have sex with any guy no matter what the age, background, or commitment they come from she will sleep with someone who is married, engaged, or in a committed relationship it doesn’t matter. Now that said your not us so you don’t if we are broken or not so before you say we are get to know us- walk a mile in our shoes and then you can say whether we are broken or not-some of us might be like people who were rapped or had a horrible experience with an ex boyfriend or trusted someone they shouldn’t have but some of us have lived amazing wonderful lives and are far from being broken
January 31st, 2012
sugar, It’s not my fault you suffer from self-esteem issues, are loose/easy/someone’s leftovers (or more rather, 25 or more men’s leftovers, which is I think the average nowadays).
Please get the hell out of here and stop seeking people’s approval. Because as far as I’m concerned, you’re couldn’t remotely be considered a human being. Also, please charge your boyfriends/clients for your services. Thank you.
January 31st, 2012
QUOTE
please charge your boyfriends/clients for your services. Thank you.
/QUOTE
Ah ah priceless.
January 31st, 2012
I could make a similarly humorous plaque for the next nonvirgin women that approach me!
January 18th, 2012
@ Evelyn
QUOTE
he accidentally showed me a card but that had things he wanted to give to his ex inside it. i was pretty upset seeing those. do i have a right to feel upset?
/QUOTE
It is quite normal for you to feel upset. As I said, jealousy programming is hard-wired into ALL of us. Plainly put, nobody likes competition (past or present, real or imagined) and its traces (old gifts, photos, conversations about exes, etc.) Again, don’t feel ashamed to be human!
Even though it was accidental, he should have been more careful, and sensible, not to show you that stuff. He was neither.
QUOTE
should one ever keep things from a previous relationship? a friend told me that such things should be totally removed cause they are no longer relevant in the present and i sorta agree.. but.. hmm. u think?
/QUOTE
It depends on the relationship and on the circumstances. This involves at least three people: you, your ex and any new soul mate.
I’ve already given you some advice about how I think photographs should be dealt with.
Firstly, ask yourself which items you can do without; sell, give away, throw away or destroy them as you please. Of course, be careful as many such decisions are final.
Some items, you may not want to get rid of. Your new boyfriend will probably inquire about them (IF he knows about their existence – see below), and have feelings about your past just like you had for your ex. Be patient and understanding of legitimate requests to get rid of such items.
What is a legitimate request? If an item prevents a deeper bond between you and your new soul mate, then it probably is an obstacle to be eliminated. (The soul mate must be worth it – if not, well, you should consider changing soul mate!)
Some requests are illegitimate, though. One cannot really ask a widow to throw away pictures of her dead husband; but her new soul mate can tactfully ask her to sensibly store them away. This will benefit both her and her new soul mate. Otherwise, the past will never be truly past.
Items that you want to keep should probably be stored away in a secret place, away from even your new soul mate (and its cartaceous and digital traces – eg. photos, receipts – as well).
If your new soul mate somehow comes to know that your ex gave you a gift, that may upset your new partner. Ignorance may indeed be bliss in this case. So what if the new soul mate comes to know about the gift? A decision will have to be made about it. Sell, give away, throw away, destroy? Or get rid of the new partner instead? :E Such decisions are never easy.
Here’s a compromise technique I’ve just invented. You may get rid of the old item and buy a new, identical one. This may be anti-economical but have positive consequences:
) Gifts do carry energy, and it isn’t always positive (vibes).
)
1. You’ll have said to your subconscious, and to your new soul mate, that the past is indeed past.
2. You’ll still be able to remember the past (from a healthy distance) if you want to, without upsetting your new soul mate.
3. You’ll be able to say that your ex did NOT give you the (new) item. If your new partner inquires further, you can say that your ex once gave you an (old) item just like that, but that you did not keep it. (Keep the new item’s receipt!
4. You’ll be able to look at the photos where the item appears and “rewrite history” (1984 style) by telling yourself that the item shown in the photos was really the (new) item that you bought. (George Orwell would be so proud!
That’s it for now… I hope that what I wrote was useful somehow!
Evelyn, please feel free to share your thoughts… But please don’t post new questions for now. I must still answer to your old ones!
And I don’t want to give fast, incomplete answers to complex questions. 
January 19th, 2012
@ Evelyn
QUOTE
2. would you feel pissed off if you are dating a person who is constantly talking about their exes. like when he sees a girl wearing a denim skirt, he would say things like, “o my exes used to wear skirts like that, do you wear them too?” or like if its an ex’s birthday today, he would mention it.. -.- would you suggest dumping him? ha
/QUOTE
Yes, I would be somewhat annoyed and a bit upset. Even though a woman may not do it intentionally, I don’t consider it positive to constantly talk about past relationships. As I said long ago, “past-dwellers” should be dumped after a fair warning.
If she has to talk about her past, she should say “a friend” rather than “her ex boyfriend” – that would be more sensible.
January 30th, 2012
QUOTE
3. is it really “ok” or “normal” for men to be watching porn? or like looking at nude pictures of women and stuff when he already has a gf?
/QUOTE
A man CAN watch porn but definitely SHOULDN’T. Especially if he’s got a girlfriend. Women shouldn’t watch it, either.
As far as I know, here are some negative effects of porn.
1. Porn increases sexual appetite… (The desire to have sex – ANY sex). And unfulfilled sexual appetites make extramarital virginity loss – and unfaithfulness – more likely. It harms our chances of staying sexually exclusive and is therefore a threat to the marriage.
2. Porn exalts immediate gratification, setting oneself up for failure. As I wrote earlier, the ability to delay gratification is vital to have ANY degree of success in life.
3. Porn distracts sexual attention. Paradoxically, while the man watches porn and possibly self-stimulates, the woman may crave emotive and maybe sexual attention – attention that she may want to go and get elsewhere…
4. Porn condones body mercification – many porn actors are paid to do it. Rather than using the awesome power of sex to bond with their soul mate, they sell their body for sex instead – not unlike prostitutes.
5. Porn glorifies appearances – the focus is on the body, whereas an individual’s personality is outright ignored. One cannot be in a mature, adult relationship unless he/she understand that the partner is first and foremost a mix of personal qualities with a body, and not the other way around.
6. Porn promotes HEAVILY unrealistic (movie-like) sexual expectations – it raises the bar considerably, setting partners up for sexual unsatisfaction. So if a man’s woman cannot, say, squirt like a pornstar, the man can become unsatisfied and may start looking for satisfaction elsewhere.
Last but not least…
7. Porn is addictive. So, problems caused by porn watching are very likely going to stay for a very long time.
In synthesis, I consider porn as one of the greatest threats to one’s desire to stay a virgin until marriage – and to marriage itself! Avoid at all costs. Many people already have high sexual drives and needn’t increase theirs any further!
QUOTE
i have long wondered about this. like alot of women seem bothered, but another group of women are like.. its normalll. you should watch porn with him too!
/QUOTE
Many men watch porn. Some women tolerate porn-watching, and some even watch it with them, but again, this doesn’t mean that watching porn is okay or desirable. Far from it.
January 30th, 2012
Everyone should read this article VERY thoroughly. Now!
http://goodmenproject.com/health/how-porn-can-ruin-your-sex-life-and-your-marriage/
QUOTE
and what kind of effect would it have on a man who watches too much of the hardcore ones in his teens?
/QUOTE
A comment on that page talks about how “heavy porn use starting in their teens” is linked to… Erectile dysfunction!
So yes, porn definitely damages marriage and sex life.
February 2nd, 2012
@reality bites,
Some very strong arguments there against porn use.
For me, however, what stopped my porn addiction dead in its tracks was the single realisation of the following:
That I was cheating on my future spouse (as what I believe masturbating to be as well). When I realised that, it really, REALLY hurt me knowing that and I started to cry from all the pain and all the guilt I felt. Mind you, I’m male and the last time I cried was…hmm. Have I before?
And though watching porn is not nearly as destructive as pre-marital sex, still, on a scale of 1 to 10 of things you don’t want to do, it’s a 10. Pre-marital sex, a 20.
January 31st, 2012
QUOTE
4. there’s another thing i’ve experienced myself before. and some of my female friends have too and seem bothered by it. its when their boyfriends see an attractive girl walking and they comment to their girlfriends, “wow she’s pretty!”. or seeing some celeb on tv and saying she’s pretty/sexy. alot of girls dont quite like it i realise. i have a friend who’s dating this guy who will send her pictures of celebs he finds pretty and asks her if she feels the same.. i find it kinda passive-aggressive and a little weird. but what do you think about instances like these?
/QUOTE
It’s another case of comparison. Comparing a woman to someone else is not a sensible thing to do. It’s like a veiled threat. It’s as if he says, “If you don’t measure up, if you don’t become a Hollywood-level beauty, I’ll dump you for Angelina Jolie.” Ha, as if she would be interested in a jerk like him…
January 10th, 2012
You need to lighten up and get some pussy! nothings better than having a girl blow you then you fuck her until you cum on her tits! Haha!! =9 I kinda feel sorry for you guys in a way. You all may die virgins never knowing what its like to get primal. Give it up, have fun, get laid. Imagine when it comes time to have sex (after marriage & after your parents give the OK), the “girl” you waited for all this time pulls out a dick thats bigger than yours. I don’t buy a car with out a test drive. Same goes for a woman. Make sure he handles nice, blows hard hot air, has a nice back end, make sure the headlights come on, and i like a car/woman that can get me where i want to go fast if you know what i mean
life is to short to wait half your life to have sex, its too good of a time not to.
January 10th, 2012
A different path, that leads to a different place.
Some dig many shallow holes; others prefer to dig one deep hole. When it comes to laying strong foundations for a building, I prefer the latter.
Anyway you don’t need to have sex in order to see what’s between that someone’s legs – so the “bigger dick” joke is just that, a joke (straight from a TV commercial, if I’m not mistaken).
Not to mention that at the “moment of truth” one can always run away shrieking in horror and ask for marriage annulment (and punitive/exemplary damages).
Parental consent? I do not need anybody’s consent to marry an adult consentient woman. If her parents (and siblings) like me, that’s good; but if not, I’ll marry the willing woman anyway.
January 11th, 2012
@swiftly: the only guy im interested in getting “primal” with is just my husband. even if i “die a virgin” it doesnt really matter, cause im not as hung up on sex as people like you are. it’s an optional activity for me, whereas for people like you, you’d drop dead if you arent allowed sex for 3 days. my reply could be longer but i can’t be bothered with ppl like you.
@realitybites: hey! did u see my qns above?
January 13th, 2012
Hey, sure I did.
I’ll reply after I get some sleep. 
January 13th, 2012
no problem, do rest well!:) and could i confide one small little thing. there’s this new guy from college. we met over 2 years ago, doing some school events together. long story short, I used to catch him observing me quite abit. like if i ever happened to look at him, he was already staring at me. and once or twice i had to move stuff around, he’d appear out of nowhere to help me carry them, without saying a word. i used to try to speak to him then, but he was so subdued and quiet he’d barely utter more than one word -.-
we dont share the same majors in college (he’s a political science major) so i tried upp-ing the interaction by adding him on facebook, wishing him on his birthday, speaking to him once or twice. but all those went nowhere. whenever we bumped into each other around school the past years, he’d do the same observing from a distance thing.
i moved on and found other people (the non-virgin ex). anyway he’s in 2 of my classes this semester. after the first class ended, he came over to where i was, stood two rows in front of me and just.. well just stared at me. i looked up, there was brief eye contact, he left. then near the lift landing.. when we were both somewhat alone, he was pacing around me, but ended up not sayin anything. i was doing something on my phone then and didnt acknowledge his presence.
during the second class yesterday though, i was seated with one of his friends. i think he did see me when he entered, but other than that made no sort of sign of recognition or acknowledgement. and that was that.
a few observations. this guy has two sides to him. first: he’s shy, reserved, cautious, observant. this is what he admitted to being most of his life before he entered college. second: he’s joined all these high profile clubs in school, hangs in the “popular” crowd, does attention-seeking things like dye-ing his hair blonde (which is strange amongst a sea of dark asian hair), being loud and outspoken. he’s aware he’s got talents in certain things like dancing and likes to show it off. he also seems unapproachable, unfriendly and abit snobbish as a result of the showing off.
in general, he seems very intellectual, very inquisitive about all of things, is a perfectionist, is very into his hobbies and is very reserved on his private life though i know he’s been single since forever. he rarely expresses his emotions or feelings or opinions about anything private in public. hides emotions and is secretive to some extent. on the surface, it seems like he forms superficial friendships in college which seem fun to me but lack the kind of stability, lean-on-me, sincere, genuine qualities long term friendships have. if he has long-term friendships, he probably hides them well cause i dont see them.
and what i observe is, he tends to sort of “acknowledge” me more when none of our friends (especially his) are around. when they are, he doesnt show any signs of anything. i’m still trying to figure out if he’s a virgin or not. i thoroughly dislike the group he tends to mix with pretty often. people who like to drink, club and are wayward. and who all think they are pretty cool just cause they are all hophop dancers and think they are THE coolest people around.
i personally find hot/cold guys very off-putting. i prefer more socially adept guys who express interest in a normal, consistent way. personally, if i had an interest in the person i’d at least try and find a way to strike up a conversation. i find this type of behaviour from a 24-25 year old guy really strange. and seems like our interaction chances are kinda limited cause there’s always gonna be someone around and just the fact that he doesnt look too friendly or give me a very warm vibe either.
what do you think? what does this guy want exactly, is he interested or what?
January 13th, 2012
I was about to reply, when… Bam! Here come real-life nuisances. But not to worry, now I’ve taken care of them and I’m back at the keyboard.
Let me reply to your latest question first…
I see many things here.
1. The guy is INFATUATED with you, rather than IN LOVE with you. For him, you are just an unattainable object of desire – in other words: only a sexually desirable woman, rather than being first and foremost a woman with desirable personal qualities.
2. Though he is infatuated with you, he lacks the courage to make a bold move and ask you out. This brings much interior conflict to him and makes him feel (more) inadequate.
3. He seems subject to peer pressure, very concerned about his self image and seems to have low self esteem (see point 2 – he may not believe he can successfully ask you out or deserve a wonderful girl such as you). He wants to be seen as a winner and a leader, but is probably just average in both departments. Were he a leader, he’d know what he wanted, and ask you out – because of his attraction for you, if nothing else. Indecision is not a personality trait found in leaders (and does not make that man a good father for your babies).
4. Vulnerability to peer pressure and excessive concern about self image are serious red flags. He’ll let his “friends” and peers influence him, and if you were in a relationship with him you’d have to CONTINUOUSLY fight their influence off. If somebody falsely told him you were cheating, you’d have to constantly reassure him and frequently make displays of loyalty to him. That would neither be fun, nor desirable.
5. His secrecy and ability to show two faces (one in front of others, and one when he’s alone with you) are not good signs. There is great potential for hypocrisy. Were you to marry him, once the infatuation fades out conflicts would explode and he may have an affair with a charismatic mistress (and he’d probably be her TOTAL subservient puppet) and keep it secret for many years before you found out. Who wants to spend years of life and spend a lifetime of savings only to discover that your husband was quietly turned into a double agent for the enemy?
I strongly discourage a relationship with that guy. He may be a virgin man (hints: apparent lifetime singleness, higher IQ, indecision), but not one that is desirable for a serious woman. He has to improve his personality traits very much before he’ll be ready for a serious relationship – and you don’t want to be his guinea pig for years while he (supposedly) improves.
I don’t think he can become a stalker – at least, not a dangerous one.
Keep him at bay (politely, but firmly) and pursue more desirable romantic interests.
January 13th, 2012
I’ll reply to your previous questions as soon as I can.
January 17th, 2012
Swiftly, I’m skeptical you’ve ever had thoughts of your own — here is a woman waiting until she’s married to have sex and trying to find a man that did the same (probably less than 1-2% of the US population), and you ostracise her, like the entire world around her. Every day. On a constant basis with the same or related logical fallacies. Put yourself in her shoes.
And please, try having thoughts of your own if you’re at all able to.
January 18th, 2012
Indeed, Swiftly’s opinions are shared by many; but this doesn’t mean that they are right. Quite the contrary, in fact.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argumentum_ad_populum
I can’t be too harsh on him simply because Swiftly probably isn’t well-versed in Logic – and unfortunately, he’s far from being alone.
If Logic was more known and applied throughout the world, people would make better decision – based on hard, cold facts rather than upon common misconceptions.
January 28th, 2012
Agreed right on life is to short to wait and you should live your life with no regrets
February 2nd, 2012
sugar, please tell me you can’t reproduce (or in your case, spawn).
January 14th, 2012
No I wouldn’t want a woman who isn’t a virgin. Why? Because I don’t want a whore.
But I doubt most other men care. They’ll stick their dicks into anything that moves.
Pieces of shit if you ask me.
January 14th, 2012
And Evelyn, all I can say is wow.
Love your beliefs!
January 16th, 2012
@ Evelyn
I’ll reply to this first because, believe it or not, it is your most important question ever!
QUOTE
i’ve been trying to teach myself logical reasoning for awhile now. i used to be so fascinated with it in my first year of college but i didnt do too well in it. do you have any particular resources that teaches it well?
/QUOTE
Read absolutely ALL you can about fallacies.
Fallacies are reasoning errors. Most people commit them.
Link:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallacy
Improving our Logic skills should be our TOP priority in life. It’s that important. Everything else is secondary in comparison.
One website rightly defines Logic as: “intellectual kung-fu”. I totally agree.
Train yourself to quickly and correctly identify fallacies… And you’ll hardly, if ever, be defeated again in debates or scammed again. That’s a promise.
After a few months of intense Logic training, our view of the world becomes much more OBJECTIVE, and solutions to our problems (no matter what they are) become easier and quicker to find.
Logic is not purely academic stuff. It’s life-saving wisdom. Do not set this aside; do not go back to everyday life. Improve your Logic skills EVERY DAY, or scammers and liars can and will take advantage of you. Irrationality is a plague – the worst undiagnosed disease ever, affecting billions of humans. And Logic is the ultimate cure.
This may be counter-intuitive, but if you improve your Logic skills, even relationship problems will be much easier to solve. For instance, if your Logic is strong you’ll be invulnerable to emotional blackmail… Emotional blackmailers will be unable to guilt-trip you, and you will have avoided a bad relationship and the great sorrow associated with it.
Sounds good? Then learn all you can about Logic and fallacies.
I guarantee that EVERY single minute will be worth it.
January 16th, 2012
Reposting my link in clickable http form…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallacy
January 16th, 2012
More links coming (one post, one link – again, blame blog rules!)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies
January 16th, 2012
http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies
January 16th, 2012
http://www.logicalfallacies.info
January 16th, 2012
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/fallacies.html
January 16th, 2012
http://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/fallacies_list.html
January 16th, 2012
http://www.onegoodmove.org/fallacy/toc.htm
January 16th, 2012
Here’s a prime example of fallacy:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wishful_thinking
“Wishful thinking is the formation of beliefs and making decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by appealing to evidence, rationality or reality.”
For example, many believe that virginity until marriage is absolutely not important; that’s a form of wishful thinking (considering all the previously discussed arguments). They believe that one’s sexual past doesn’t influence the future. They want to believe so… And often get hurt when they discover that reality is quite different.
January 16th, 2012
http://www.fallacyfiles.org/taxonomy.html
January 16th, 2012
This one’s great to see how fallacies are classified.
January 17th, 2012
You guys are still messaging each other back and forth on this issue for three years now. Mind you, the site stopped being active at the end of 2009 so I’m not sure how it’s still even being hosted.
Interesting conversation though. Are you guys also in the US?
January 17th, 2012
Apparently, the blog’s domain name expires on 2 Sep 2012. I’m not the owner, but I guess that this blog will survive at least until then. Shortly after that… uhm… the Mayan calendar ends.
Why renew the domain name or the hosting contract if the supposed “end of the world” is near? 
As for me, I am, uhm… somewhere on planet Earth.
Wherever Logic takes me. I’m a bit ubiquitous in cyberspace, just like a Matrix Agent, hunting system errors and anomalies in human reasoning. 
Oh and eating self-made French Fries at the moment! 
Mmmh… French Fries…
January 17th, 2012
I’m interested in seeing how this conversation ultimately plays out.
I haven’t read through most of the posts you guys made in a three-year timespan, but I’ve read some of them, and would like to offer my opinions because I went through almost the exact same stuff this lady is going through in regards to thought process and issues concerning virginity.
January 17th, 2012
oh dear, they expire this year? that’s pretty soon. =(
@KS: hey! welcome! i’m not from the US, i’m from somewhere in Asia
you went through the exact same stuff “this lady” went through.. who is it you are referring to? haha. and welcome!
@realitybites: i will read up on all the logic/fallacy links once ive gotten the time this week! the reason why ive taken a sudden interest in this is cause while ive always spotted things in people’s arguments that arent too right, i’m always not equipped enough to argue back in a logical fashion. and loads of ppl ard me tend to like to use emotional responses to argue their way through and I just would like to be better able to handle them
January 18th, 2012
Give it a few months and you’ll be unstoppable like Terminator.
January 17th, 2012
And they could have paid for hosting until the 21st of December if that’s the case
January 18th, 2012
Evelyn,
I meant you as ‘this lady.’
Also, I replied to one of your earlier comments this month above.
January 18th, 2012
Hey KS, I just saw what you wrote! Am rushing things out for school later, but I’ll reply soon (: I particularly liked your views on porn. sad to say the majority of people arent like us.
January 18th, 2012
Also Evelyn,
You seem to be struggling to find a virgin wherever you are in Asia.
I use to imagine that Asian women in Asia (not the ones here, they’re slags on par with American women) were more traditional.
Did this countries’ degenerate ‘values’ get there, too? Or is that because the culture is changing on its own due to irreligiosity, lack of critical-thinking, etc like in say Russia?
January 18th, 2012
Hey KS! you’ve posed a VERY good question. I used to always think that Asians had the virginity value down pat. But it seems like this isn’t the case nowadays. And now that I’m in college, I see people sleeping around as well. Even those in supposed long term relationships are most likely having sex. it was VERY appalling for me when i was first exposed to people like them, but now, unfortunately I no longer am suprised to hear of these things.
I come from a more liberal, “westernized” south-east asian country though. bet u can guess where.
BUT, surprisingly, even the asians from the supposedly, typically “conservative” countries are already having sex before they get married. My ex was from Malaysia, typically a more traditional/conservative country, but he wasn’t Muslim, he was Chinese, and he lost his virginity like what, NINE years ago? that was in 2003 which is a VERY long time ago (at least to me)! so sluts and man-whores were already increasing a decade ago. In South Korea, another very conservative country, its not uncommon to get pregnant before marrying!
I have NO idea what has been happening to Asia. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few reasons
1. modernisation. alot of asians still see the west as some “superior” race. and alot take after western behaviour and attitudes and values and discard their “traditional” ones because they are “old-fashioned”. while i’m not saying western values are bad or traditional asian values are better etc, I just think that alot of people in my generation just follow whatever the west does blindly without thinking about consequences, just cause something is western, it is seen as “modern” and therefore “cool”. resulting in a total breakdown of traditional (and at most times) good values. which is really sad
2. lack of knowledge of what religion really is. i spoke about a christian friend above who had pre-marital sex and used all sorts of reasons to aggressively justify that what she did was out of “love” and hence was right. alot of people ard here call themselves “religious” without even bothering to do the basic things their religion has taught them. like realitybites mentioned above and i agree with, they create their own watered down version of a religion by modifying whatever is in the religious texts according to suit what they like to do. pathetic.
3. breakdown of societal/family values. societal values are mentioned above, family values are another thing. lots of asians now dont hold very close ties to their families. and from what i’ve seen, friends who stay virgins in their relationships were brought up very well by their parents and had very good values instilled in them. even when they hit their 20s, they still retain some of these values which builds a kind of stability in their characters. and girls/boys who are virgins happen to also know that they are loved in their families. those friends i know who have had sex usually experience a sort of neglect at home or they arent exactly on good terms with their parents. so its always good to find someone who has a good family background and has a healthy, functional relaitonship with their parents. at least from what i’ve observed.
4. media. i mean just loook at the types of people who are talked about here all the time. rihanna, beyonce, lady gaga, katy perry. like seriously? these people are HARDLY role models to me. i recently read some articles on daily mail (british tabloid newspaper) concerning rihanna and i was browsing through the comments. she was posing in skimpy attire and smoking cannabis or whatever in the next article and people were defending her saying what she did is “ok” and that she’s hot. like really? no offence, but the woman looks like a drug-addled prostitute half the time. but people around here always talk about people like that in the media.
i dont know if i made sense and it was a REALLY long wall of text, i’m sorry. but its all the factors we have been talking about. degenerate values, a culture of ignorance, a HUGE lack of critcal thinking, breakdown of values at every level possible etc.
to be fair, there are still alot of virgins out there. 98% of people i know still are to my knowledge, but they still lack alot in other areas of character development. asia still hasn’t fully gone in the direction as say europe or the usa. but they are getting there, unfortunately. it’s gonna be a really sad day if that happens.
January 19th, 2012
Testing (comment isn’t posting).
January 19th, 2012
Sad to hear.
Also, Malaysia is like 95% Christian — why would he be Muslim?
I on the other hand, am fairly convinced I know almost exactly what’s going on in the world today (can almost pinpoint a symptom of all of this — global economic collapse within 10 years time is nearly certain for instance)
1. The West isn’t a superior race. I use to think that (I’m from Europe, a European not a Muslim from some Pakistan like many ‘Europeans’ now, and I am living in the US). I was very racist for a long time. Supported Hitler even. The reality is we’re just different, nothing more, nothing less, and the entire reason, I’ve come to find (coming from an almost completely atheist, promiscuous country and being raised in an irreligious family and being surrounded by not a single Christian) was that Christianity is responsible for the West’s development and disparities (long explanation here, so wont get into this stuff in this post). But also, you guys have Japan. Japan is in many ways, and has remained despite its western economic investments, superior in many aspects to most European cultures. And that’s Japan. It’s not a Christian country, though that’s changing quite rapidly, like China and many other Asian countries. That’s what difference means. You’re better here and there, worse here and there. Ultimately, we’re all equal. The problem with that is here in the West, the multiculturalists and ‘tolerance’ advocates ‘think’ that we can all live together in one country thinking the same way — controlled by the state. That’s not ‘tolerance’ at all. It’s hatred. It’s essentially making two very unequal things equal instead of appreaciating each other’s differences. And it’s an ideology meant to fail. Hard.
I also heard the exact same thing you said about your country happening in other non-Western countries (I’m nearly 100% certain I know what’s going on globally). I’ll give one such example: Nigeria. Someone from there mentioned that the women (he was a male) were giving up their good traditional values (and they were indeed good, at least from my ’superior’ western standpoint) to be like the West because they associated their values with being inferior and backwards — I’m sure you know what that means.
2. Same bloody thing here. I know a lot of Christian women who have had pre-marital sex, and a lot who are even virgins and waiting (and will wait, judging based on their intentions and spirituality) who don’t understand the importance of virginity or even their religion. 80% of protestants basically (Relevant Magazine statistic) and around 90% of Catholics, the only two large denominations here in the US, have pre-marital sex. They even do it in Church and are known to be even more promiscuous than the rest of the population, which isn’t even religious! One such woman I know, and she’s the typical example, had sex with a man that wasn’t her husband because she said she ‘loved him.’ What?! She doesn’t have a clue what love is (i.e., a lifelong committment when it comes to the romantic area). And she irreversibily gave up what rightfully belongs only to her husband (and her husband’s virginity only belongs to her, pre-marital infedelity = marital infidelity, not that I’m targetting women here because I too, understand we’re equal and I relate about as often to women as I do to males) to some loser she thought she ‘loved.’ What’s love then?! A few month or a few year relationship? That definition makes sense in light of how long marriages seem to last in the US nowadays. And only forty (40) years ago here she would have been called a whore and would have had to have something called a ’shotgun wedding’ (degrading term). Now there is no stigma whatsoever to sleeping around from Portugal to Russia (with almost no exceptions)! Scandals happen all the time and women, and what I’ve come to find, despite what the official statistical survey results state, are more promiscuous than the men!
January 19th, 2012
uh, no. Malaysia is a Muslim country just like Indonesia. Their main religion is Islam and close to 60% of them practice Islam. The majority race is Malay. Christians, Buddhists, Taoists etc exist but they are in the small minority.
They have a mixture of races there, Indian, Malays, Chinese. The Chinese and Indians are the minority race, the Malays make up the majority.
will reply to the rest of your post when i have more time!
January 19th, 2012
And mine.
January 19th, 2012
“to be like the West because they associated their values with being inferior and backwards — I’m sure you know what that means.”
- EXACTLY! this is PRECISELY what is happening in our world, especially the non-Western world. Asians and all that they wanna “modernize” and so they get rid of their “traditional values” cause in order to modernize they can’t have this backlog of “old-fashioned” thinking. they need to find new ones. but new doesnt necessarily mean better! because look at what is happening in the world now.
“What’s love then?! A few month or a few year relationship? ”
- my sentiments exactly. their definition of love has no lifelong commitment whatsoever in it. its just, oh my goodness he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me though we’ve known each other for a few months/years. *rolls eyes* and why do you need to have sex with someone to show your love pre-marriage? that’s something i don’t understand. and the girls who usually do this then later regret and say “oh if i knew he was like this i would never have done it with him”
yeah right. you didnt even bother spending enough time to find out who he REALLY is and you are already jumping into the sack with him. and then u regret it later? i can’t take people like that seriously. and i wanna have absolutely nothing to do with them either. its a sign of instability in a person’s character – lots of people out there are like that though – and i dont want to spend my life with someone like that.
January 19th, 2012
Testing.
Bloody site isn’t letting me post for some reason.
January 19th, 2012
Ah well, I just can’t seem to post my response to 3. and 4 from earlier. Have tried everything.
It’s amazing how short-minded people are to the consequences of their actions. What’s sad is that it affects society as a whole.
And sorry, I confused Malaysia for the Philippines.
January 19th, 2012
If you post more than one link in a single post, the said post will not be published.
That’s the hated “1 post, 1 link” rule.
I suggest saving your message in a text file on your desktop before posting – so you won’t lose it.
January 20th, 2012
^Oh, and I forgot to add that the young woman from point two (2.) in my response to you (Evelyn) was only twenty (20) years old — that’s still a child!!!
And she gave me the typical response I hear from these hypocrites — “Jesus forgives me for my sins (despite saying she ‘loved’ him — a guy who ran off with some other woman– in the same sentence)”. The poor thing then proceeded to call a woman who was in her late twenties (20s), whom everyone in the room knew was still a virgin, a ‘whore’, for wearing a dress about an inch short of knee-length.
It’s funny until you realise the problem with that is, these women (and men) don’t grow out of that mentality, and despite sleeping around, still judge other men and women harshly with terms that were once objective (i.e. universal — men, even the ones who slept around, universally used to know, treat and perceive throughout western history and culture, women who had sex outside of marriage to be whores — which they are, along with these men that slept with them).
Not to make this longer, but in other words, the term is casually thrown around all the time because there is no general consensus as to what sexual morality is (it’s all subjective). And that’s very dangerous — you can safely conclude from that that western society has already collapsed (there are no ethics, morals, religious or national identities without an intact family unit, and an intact family of course precludes unhealthy ‘values’ such as one or more partners engaging in pre-marital sex).
January 23rd, 2012
Did I kill the conversation here or what?
January 24th, 2012
Nah, I’m just very busy lately. I’ll get back soon!
January 23rd, 2012
HAHA. I’ll get back to you and realitybites, KS. am on a 3-day break but have ta rush out projects and exam stuff. get back to u guys soon
January 29th, 2012
Evelyn,
I’ve been thinking about that 98% rate you guys have in Indonesia. That’s probably what it was before the beginning of the last century in Europe before people started abandoning their beliefs for illusions (or delusions, more rather) of prosperity which were based off Victorian values. Now, the middle-class practically doesn’t exist here in the US. It’s rapidly eroding in Europe as well.
So much for our ’superiority’.
This is going to be a white Ethiopia.
January 30th, 2012
*Oops, I meant the Philippines.
January 31st, 2012
Hey Evelyn, how it’s going?
Have you read some stuff about Logic? It’s life-changing when you start applying it to what you read and hear all around you.
Take my word for it.
Anyway I’ve posted a few messages, feel free to comment on them. I’ll post more when I have more time.
Have a good day!
January 31st, 2012
Fantastic website. Lots of useful info here. I am sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks for your sweat!
January 31st, 2012
Are you a bot?
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